3/4 of me

When I finish this project, I'll be 1/3 the size I used to be. Right now, I'm 3/4 that size.

My doctor (who I've visited now only twice) was sharp enough to notice, and to comment that he was seeing 1/4 less of me between my two visits. That did make me feel good. Not as good as when he sees half of me, or less. But good nonetheless.

It is hard though - I'm back to the feelings I had when I got to 100-pounds lost the first time. I want to be proud. I want to let people know that I did this hard thing. But at the same time, I don't. Because I need to do it again, and then almost a third time. So while I've done this great thing, in some ways it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm still the largest person in the room. I'm still morbidly obese by quite a bit. I still have a BMI over 50. I still have trouble wearing clothes. I still get exhausted easily. I still have some knee pain.

Of course...all of those things are way better than they were when I weighed over 400 pounds. And I'm not going to let myself backslide like I did last time.

Part of the problem, I suppose, is that in order to be able to have the "accomplishment" of losing over 100 pounds, you have to have let yourself gain that much to begin with. And I'd rather not let people know that I was once over 400 pounds. On the flip side...I do want people to know that I'm not just a lazy 300-pounder - I'm doing something about it!

The end result of this is that I usually keep quiet. When I someday am 1/3 of my former size, will I let people know that I was once 3 times my size? I doubt it. My plan at that time will be to just stay fabulous. No one needs to know.