Keep the top third

Down, down, and then (probably) up

2012-01-26T16:48:00.001-08:00

As much as it's recommended to weigh weekly, I've moved to doing the daily thing, since last year. I did weekly for quite a while and it worked fine. And then I tried not weighing at all...or weighing monthly. Neither of those worked very well. But the daily thing has been working. There are a few days I miss, but not many. If I get up and don't get on the scale before eating, then I don't weigh. Or if I'm out of town. Or...since the scale is in the kitchen and I weigh unclothed...I don't weigh if I'm not the first person awake in the house (!)

I noticed a pattern last year - on a good week, I would have several days of losses in a row - small ones, but losses nonetheless. And then a gain, for no explicable reason. Must be a water weight shift, and it always drops back down. Based on that pattern, the good week I have going should end up with that gain tomorrow morning.

I know this is how it goes. So if it happens, I won't fret. Of course, I'd be much happier if it doesn't. But no worries. I know that as long as I'm following my plan, staying within my calories, getting in some activity, etc...then I'm doing fine.

I'm so very close, however, to being below my lowest and moving my ticker down again. Can't wait for that! By next week, I should be there.

A Challenge Begins

2012-01-25T13:47:00.001-08:00

I'm participating from the sidelines in a challenge started by Chris (link to come, but noone really reads my blog anyway!).

It's a 100-day challenge, which is a good time period. I'm not going to be doing much different from what I'm doing now, except exercise will be more. The rules of the challenge will be to stick to a calorie cap (mine is 2000; the official challenge participants are using 1500); exercise for 30 minutes, 6 days per week, and journalling.

I'm looking forward to the exercise and journalling, since those are a bit different from what I'm doing now (which is writing an occasional blog or journal and exercising as much as I can...but no minute target per day). Actually, that's not true - I've had a 15-minutes-on-the-bike target since Sunday, and it's working fine. I'll just be doubling that.

100 days - I can make a lot of progress in 100 days!

I hate the internet

2012-01-24T20:10:00.000-08:00

I put up the last post, and I'm immediately bombarded with ads for where I can buy plus-sized swimwear and wide-calf boots. Incredible.

This year I will...

2012-01-24T19:57:00.000-08:00

Buy 3 swimsuits. I need a new one now, and they don't really last 6 months. So I'll need another one by mid-year, and a replacement for that by December.

Shrink to under 300 pounds for the first time in, oh, forever. Okay...for the first time in about 14 years.

Reach the halfway point in my weight loss

Reach the point where I can likely fit into plus sizes at "regular" stores - department stores, Target, Academy, etc.

Buy boots - the wide calf ones, but even those wouldn't yet fit my calves. But they will by Fall/Winter.

Find that anything in a size larger than a 3X (and eventually 2X) is just too darn large (I have some 4X tops that are already at that point).

Be able to order a swimsuit from H2Oworks, instead of only Junonia.

No longer get winded just from getting dressed AFTER my workout in the pool.

Need to scoot the seat of the car up some more.

Be forced to wear my wedding ring on my right hand, lest I lose it. I'm almost at this point now, depending on how cold it is outside.

Have a family holiday photo taken.

Have less craziness around the holidays.

Visit my dad at least twice. And my in-laws at least once (farther to go, there).

Take my daughter horseback riding (I'm not riding, but she has wanted to for quite a while).

Get rid of a lot of clutter.

Diagnose the foundation problem with the house, and start working on fixing it.

Pay off a couple of accounts that will help with the above.

Handle a couple of personal adminstrative things that will make things easier.

Add to my savings account with direct deposit.

That should do it. This started as a post about milestones I realized that I would reach this year, and then turned into a bit of a to-do list. But that's okay. I do like scratching items off a list.

How much can I lose in a week?

2012-01-23T08:15:00.000-08:00

That's the challenge to myself. Sunday to Sunday, so I can report being already 1/2 pound down from yesterday to today. If I can hit 2 pounds, I'll be happy. Anything else is just gravy.

The point of this challenge to myself is that I need to get myself fully back on track. Last week was a little hit or miss, which I expect from myself in the week following a big deal - like a trip. I didn't get back into exercise - until yesterday - and there were days when I ate some unhealthy stuff. Not too much, but enough that it's not conducive to weight loss.

And I really want to get back to that low point I had hit in December, and then move past it. That low was 314.5, and it's 4.5 pounds away right now. Being ambitious, and having a good memory, I recall lots of weeks where I really buckled down (after not being so strict in prior weeks) and lost 4-6 pounds. And if I can do that, or close to it, I can be at or below my December low pretty soon. I hope in 2 weeks, but I'm going to see just how much I can knock out in one week - not by starving or over-exercising...but by sticking to under 2000 calories of good, healthy food, and exercising.

Speaking of exercising...I'm not sure if I'll make it to the pool tonight. I want to, but yet I have so much to do at home...and I know I can ride my cross trainer bike* for 15 minutes and do the seated elliptical for 30...instead of taking 2 hours to get in the same minutes in the water. 45 minutes is 45 minutes. I don't want to let my Y membership go to waste for this month, but 2 hours in the evening can be hard. I was knocking it out last summer and early fall, though. So we shall see.

Bottom line though - SOME type of exercise for at least 30 on at least 6 days. And we'll see what Sunday brings.

* A note about the cross trainer bike. It's been in my garage for at least 10 years - it's very old. My husband pulled it out a month or so ago so that we would use it...and we BOTH did yesterday. Our new pact is at least 15 minutes on it per day, for each of us. No trip to Sonic for our daily flavored diet coke during happy hour if we haven't completed our ride. Speaking of which, it's a good thing I work from home, because that means I can ride over lunch. Or now.

Can we start the new year now?

2012-01-19T11:41:00.000-08:00

I finally feel like I can start the new year. I realize we are more than halfway through January, but that's the way it is.

I had a big, out-of-state conference the second week of January, which turned into part work/part family vacation. It was fun all around. But I knew that I wouldn't be eating totally well or getting in as much exercise as I would like during that time, and also in the run-up to it the week before. And also the week before that (between Christmas and New Years). And the week before that (the run-up to Christmas). So I knew that my time to re-focus and kick things into gear would be right about now. I know myself - I need a few decompression days after a trip like this. A few days to get back into life. I wish that wasn't the case, but it is. And frankly, that really couldn't start until my mom left on Tuesday. So the fact that I'm here on Thursday thinking about this is probably actually one day ahead of schedule.

This trip will happen again next year, but one week later. So next year, that means the entire month of January might be affected. I'm going to work on doing better before and after, so that the impact on my "normal" is minimized.

Now...it's not that I totally threw caution to the wind and scarfed up everything in site. And it's not that I didn't exercise at all. I was up and down and standing and walking for 3 days at the conference, and then walking/standing lots and theme parks for 2 days. I was very frustrated to feel the need to rent an ECV at the parks. But the bottom like was that after standing for 3 days, I was beat. And if I had to walk every bit of the parks, I wouldn't have made it. As it was, I did plenty of walking/standing. I only used the ECV between points - parked it and then walked around. I never took it in a line for a ride, even though you can do that on plenty of them these days.

And I rode everything - no limits. Last time I was there, I weighed about 40 pounds more, and the time before that, about 60 pounds more. Didn't have an ECV on those trips, which means it's either me getting older or those 3 days of standing at the conference that made it necessary this time.

So the standing/walking got me some exercise. And I didn't go totally processed-carb crazy. The food I did eat seems to be balanced out by the exercise I did do. I came back and weighed less than what I started the year at. Still higher than were I was in December. But at least I didn't gain anything on my trip. Bonus points!

That means I still need to lose what I did gain over the holidays. I gained about 9 pounds over the holidays, which seemed really high to me. I don't feel that I did THAT badly. But it's okay. I can lose those suckers.

So I need some goals. They aren't much different from the goals from last year. I'm going to keep tracking things on Sparkpeople - every bite and exercise. I'll be staying around 1900-2000 calories for now. That amount was working last year, and I was losing. I'll be shooting for 250 fitness minutes per week (1000 per month). And my food will be composed mostly of things that follow South Beach Diet Phase 2 - lean protein, lots of veggies, small portions of good fat/starch/fruit, lowfat dairy. Again...I go with what works.

As for the number on the scale, I've learned that setting a goal of X pounds by Y date never works out. I never make it (case in point, last year, when I thought I could be back to 100 pounds lost over the summer, and it took an extra month or more...and with the holiday weight gain, I'm really still at that marker right now). But that said, I know that this year has to be the year that I get under 300. My ambitoius time goal for that is to be at that point before I go to visit my dad in April. Even if I'm not there, I'll be well on my way.

I was frustrated with myself a bit on this trip...for not getting this done sooner. I was *supposed* to be done by the time my daughter turned 13 (last year). Had I not taken the better part of two years "off," I would have been pretty close. I would have been able to sleep in a hotel bed without issue (it was a HUGE issue, for another post), and I would have been able to walk the parks much easier.

But I can't change the past. I can only control today, to set myself up for a better tomorrow.

Onward!

End of the year

2011-12-30T09:24:00.000-08:00

I can't let December pass by without adding one final post. If all goes well, I'll end this year at about 100 pounds down. Not the 108.5 showing on my ticker, because the scale is showing some odd things these past few days.

I know I overate for a few days over Christmas. There was rum cake and red velvet yule log and ham and hashbrown casserole and lots of cheese/sausage/crackers and little sweet treats. But really not 8 pounds worth. I'm not sure what's going on, but all I can do is get back to my normal healthy eating routine and keep moving forward.

Of course, I had hoped to be about 20 pounds lighter by year end. So be it. All I can control is today, and I can set things up for a good tomorrow. Today has been the first day truly back to healthy eating (so far). I'm going to toss the remaining hashbrown casserole. There is one slice of yule log left but that's for my daughter. There are a few sweet treats left, but I'm not going to indulge. Tomorrow night will be a little challenge (champagne!), but I'll make it through to the other side and make 2012 a banner year. Turns out, I lost about 35 pounds in 2011. Not too shabby. That was in 7 months, so 5 pounds a month. If I can do 60 pounds in 2012, I'll take it. I'm shooting for more like 75 or 80.

How to get there? Well the "goals" are not to lose X pounds by Y date. No...the goals are to eat healthfully and to be active. Track all food and exercise on Spark. 1000 fitness minutes per month.

There will be rewards for milestones. A new swimsuit when I reach 299 - that's the first one.

Onward!

Being the largest, and not worthy of good adjectives

2011-12-04T12:55:00.000-08:00

I'm still usually the largest person in the room. I still don't like that. And I wonder why I'm able to do so much at this size.

Not everything, of course. Stairs are still a killer for my knees. They are getting better (lots of practice at the theatre these past few weeks, where there is no elevator). But other day-to-day things that I think others at my size might not do. Even shopping/driving. This thought comes from a message I read on a board today from someone who is apprehensive about going to a hockey game, travelling there, getting photos taken. I read it and realized that I would be very concerned about that if I still weighed over 400 pounds. But at 314-ish, I wouldn't be too worried. I'd have the concern about fitting in the seats (can't wait for that to be a non-issue), but this person was concerned with leaving the house, and I gathered she didn't do that very much.

I suppose I didn't leave nearly as much when I was over 400. When I did, it exhausted me. Now, leaving the house doesn't exhaust me as much. So I tried to provide a bit of help to the person on the board. But what struck me was when I looked at her stats, and noticed that she weighs LESS than I do.

It's like listening to a lot of the contestants on the biggest loser...they might weigh 250 or so, and they go on and on about how tired they are and how they can't do anything. I would LOVE to weigh 250, and I could do so much stuff! I guess it's all a matter of perspective. If 250 is their heaviest, it makes sense that it's limiting for them. For me, 250 would be the lowest I've weighed in 16 or so years, so it would be amazing - not limiting - for me.

So I guess it's just the circumstances. I'm fortunate that I can do the things I can do now, at just over 300 pounds. And they will get easier as I get smaller. I'm in a zone now where I'm happy with my weight loss - I've broken the 105 mark and am closing in on 110! - but then I get the reality check that I'm still the largest person in the room; one of the largest people in the city, if you ranked us all, I suppose. Not that we need to do that. But it's just a realization that hits me sometimes. I feel all healthy and strong and smaller, and then WHAMMO - reminder silly - you are a 300-pound woman. It's as though I don't feel like I'm deserving of the adjectives "healthy, strong, and smaller." How can those things apply to a 300-pound woman?

Interesting thoughts. If I had to describe myself with 10 adjectives, I would probably put "active" and "healthy" in there now. And if I shared that list with some people, they might laugh. But I guess that's the point - the list is mine. I know that I AM active and healthy, even though right now it's not obvious to others.

On the December goal front...my goal is to get under 310. That way, I'm nicely positioned to finally be under 300 sometime in January/February. My workouts will be able to ramp back up starting this week, so I think I'll be able to do this. I lost nearly 6 in November...I'm wanting just a bit over 6 in December. But whatever happens, it will still be in the right direction.

This five-pound chunk is taking forever...

2011-11-20T15:59:00.000-08:00

Well not literally forever...but it's now been more than 4 weeks. What's frustrating is that I got really close a couple of weeks ago - within .2 pounds of hitting 105. And then the scale bounced back up.

Up some, down a bit, up some more, down a bit, up, down, up, down. Frustrating!

Navigating the next week is going to be a challenge. I'm going to work diligently to stay within my calorie budget. Sparkpeople has it set pretty high, and I suspect I'll top out on Thursday. I do have lots of veggies on hand, so I hope I can keep things in a good balance with lots of healthy things and a few treats.

Once TG passes, I'll have 4 weeks before Christmas. That should be 4 weeks of eating really well, and (thank goodness) being able to get back to the pool. Once we get past December 2nd, I'll have my weekday evenings back. I will just need to find my coat so that I can stay warm from the car to the pool and back again.

I still hope to be close to 310 (at the very least, under 315) by January 1. Which is really only about 5 pounds. So that early in 2012, I'll finally, forever, be under 300 pounds.

3/4 of me

2011-11-16T09:44:00.001-08:00

When I finish this project, I'll be 1/3 the size I used to be. Right now, I'm 3/4 that size.

My doctor (who I've visited now only twice) was sharp enough to notice, and to comment that he was seeing 1/4 less of me between my two visits. That did make me feel good. Not as good as when he sees half of me, or less. But good nonetheless.

It is hard though - I'm back to the feelings I had when I got to 100-pounds lost the first time. I want to be proud. I want to let people know that I did this hard thing. But at the same time, I don't. Because I need to do it again, and then almost a third time. So while I've done this great thing, in some ways it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I'm still the largest person in the room. I'm still morbidly obese by quite a bit. I still have a BMI over 50. I still have trouble wearing clothes. I still get exhausted easily. I still have some knee pain.

Of course...all of those things are way better than they were when I weighed over 400 pounds. And I'm not going to let myself backslide like I did last time.

Part of the problem, I suppose, is that in order to be able to have the "accomplishment" of losing over 100 pounds, you have to have let yourself gain that much to begin with. And I'd rather not let people know that I was once over 400 pounds. On the flip side...I do want people to know that I'm not just a lazy 300-pounder - I'm doing something about it!

The end result of this is that I usually keep quiet. When I someday am 1/3 of my former size, will I let people know that I was once 3 times my size? I doubt it. My plan at that time will be to just stay fabulous. No one needs to know.

Cauli Pizza

2011-11-06T14:23:00.000-08:00

I've heard about it, but never tried it until now. Good stuff. Lots of cheese...so not something for all the time, unless I can figure out a way to use less.

The husband liked it, but not the teenage daughter. Oh well.

Another Week, Another Two Pounds

2011-11-05T13:13:00.000-07:00

I keep writing a great post and then trying to copy it and it vanishes.

I've written the whole thing twice, and I don't have the energy any more.

So just the basics. Two pounds since last Saturday. Go me.

Moving along

2011-10-29T11:10:00.000-07:00

One pound at a time. Even though I might lose 2 pounds per week (thought I don't), they are still lost one pound at a time. Or 1/2 pound at a time. Heck...I would take 1/4 pound a day, every day. I'd be good with that!

But no matter the rate, I need to focus on getting to the next pound. I can't get to 299 until I get from 320 to 319 first.

So that's the plan. Each day, I'm focused on seeing the next number on the scale. It may happen in a day, or a week, or longer, depending on the week. The last two digits of the number are written on the inside of my wrist, and I can see it all day long.

It's been working. Slowly but surely.

319. My next goal is one pound away.

Why does the scale move so?

2011-10-23T18:51:00.000-07:00

I did it - back to 100 pounds lost. A few days ago, actually.

And the next day, I went down a smidgen - 100.25 pounds lost!

But every day thereafter...a little but up, up, and up.

So frustrating. I know it must just be water weight. I know it will go away. But it's hard. It's hard to not get lazy and say "what's the use?" I know what the "use" is - I know this. That makes it a little less hard. But it doesn't completely help when I see three pounds back on the scale.

I'll report back when the scale moves back in the right direction.

One more pound

2011-10-16T16:20:00.000-07:00

Just one more, until I finally get back to having lost 100 pounds. I can't wait.

Wait - that's not true. I can wait. I can wait as long as it takes for this pound, because when I get there...I'll just move on to the next one. But this one is symbolic, and it will be nice to get there.

It *should* happen this week. And then I will be plowing new ground. THAT, I'm looking forward to.

Finally October

2011-10-14T10:23:00.001-07:00

I should at least get a post up for October. I haven't been writing daily (though I have been weighing daily), or even weekly. Mostly because I figure I don't have much to say that I haven't said before. Probably because I'm still travelling over ground I've travelled over before.

I had 2 weeks of nice losses and then this week appeared. I got within 3 pounds of the 100-pound mark. This week is THAT week - the one week per month, it seems, where I have the scale jump in the opposite direction, even if I'm doing everything right. And it takes a week to come back down. The good news is that this is usually followed by 2-3 weeks of really nice losses again.

Which means that in a couple of weeks I should be past the 100 pound mark, and moving on. Not like last time where I hit 100 pounds and (I guess) took a break. Or maybe it was a victory lap. I don't know; I just know it's not going to happen again.

The pounds go...but slower than I'd like and I suppose it's that way for everyone. Slow is good, don't get me wrong. But just a leetle faster couldn't hurt, could it?

Nah - it's fine. It's normal and healthy. I set out on Memorial Day with the plan to be back at 100 pounds lost by Labor Day...and then it was by the end of the Summer...and then it was by the end of September...and then it was by the time I went to visit my dad on October 15th. Today is October 14th. But the trip to see dad has been postponed until November...so I suppose I'll probably be there by the time I see him.

And at this pace (1.5ish pounds per week), I have about 16 pounds that can be lost by year end. That will put me in a nice place - close to being finally in the 200s - to start off 2012 with a bang.

Happy Weekend to Me!

A Quiet Anniversary

2011-09-30T07:21:00.000-07:00

I just realized that today is the anniversary of the day I realized that I needed to do something about my health and weight. I mean...I knew it for years. But September 30, 2007 was the day I started doing something about it.

I can't be all "happy anniversary" about this day, though. Because back then, I figured that losing 282 pounds could be accomplished in 3.5 years. Meaning I would be done by now.

I'm also not going to beat myself up about the fact that I've lost *only* 95 pounds in the 4 years. If I hadn't done anything at all, who knows where I would be right now? I have definitely made progress. I'm smaller, much healthier, fitter than I was in 2007. By a long shot.

I guess this takes however long it takes. Some people don't get through college in four years either. My path has gone something like this:

Year 1 - lost 80 pounds
Year 2 - lost 20 pounds and probably regained some
Year 3 - bounced around with the regained, probably put 40 pounds back on, total
Year 4 - for the first 8 months, no progress. For the past 4, I've lost ALMOST all of the weight regained in years 2-4.

So now, instead of being a person with 282 pounds to lose, I'm a person with about 188 pounds to lose. Seems like that might take 3 years. As long as I keep moving forward and don't take another 2-year break. It would be nice to see the following:

Year 5 - lose 80 pounds
Year 6 - lose 75 pounds
Year 7 - lose 33 pounds

Or something simiilar. Heck, it may take 10 years. But damned if I won't do it, and be healthier for it.

I'd be lying if I didn't say that I hope by Year 6.5 to be darn close. That will be my 30th high school reunion.

One third of the way there (again)

2011-09-27T06:19:00.000-07:00

I realized as I updated my ticker that I'm now (again) one-third of the way to my goal. I want to lose 282 pounds total (eek!), which means 141 pounds twice...or 94 pounds 3 times. I lost 94 pounds before, and then 6 more, and then gained back 35 or so. This time, I'm planning to keep on going without the steps backwards.

So today, I've lost just over 94 pounds. I need to lose 94 pounds one more time...and then another time. It will be really nice to lose another 47 pounds and be halfway done. I'll be there sometime next year - as close to the beginning of the year as I can make it happen!

I think all of us with lots to lose "do the math." If I can lose X pounds per week, then I'll weigh Y by Z date. Trouble is, I think we are usually overly optimistic. I've been making weight projection graphs and then more recently, spreadsheets, for lots and lots of years. And here I am. But nevertheless...If I can lose a pound a week, then I'll be 14 pounds lighter by year end. That puts me well past 100 pounds lost, and teed-up nicely for next year.

_________________

Batting .500 for the early morning pool this week. Made it yesterday (and it was a good one), but not today, since I couldn't get to sleep until after midnight. So I'm shooting for the evening class today, and also tomorrow, probably. Early on Thursday and Friday.

I'm thinking about rewarding myself at some point with a visit to the BL ranch. A blogger I follow is there right now, and I think it would be a great jump start when I need a push. Maybe when I eventually reach 199. Or when I reach 223, which is 200 pounds lost. At one time, I had thought about a spa. I'll do that when I finish the whole shebang.

A week of morning workouts - the recap

2011-09-25T16:33:00.000-07:00

I wrote a post on Friday, but blogger ate it and I didn't have time to type it up again.

It was about my Friday fail - deciding to sleep for another hour and a half when the alarm rang at 5:30 for my 5th day in a row of pre-work workouts. I decided I had a big project at work that needed some attention and I needed some extra sleep. So I didn't make it 5 for 5. But 4 for 5 is pretty good, especially since I've been setting that alarm off and on for more than a year and never making it.

I'm not sure how next week will pan out. But I went to the pool today and had a great workout. So for the week, if you start counting on Monday, I got in 6 days. And I spent every evening with my family.

Next week, I may do the early pool every day...or maybe two or three. I suppose it depends. Monday, definitely.

The scale, she moves slowly. I did hit a new low, and now 7.5 pounds left to hit the 100. I really (really, really) want to be there before I go visit my dad in mid October. But it's all good, even if I don't get there.

So...onto another week of healthy.

Day Four, and a new low (finally)

2011-09-22T06:02:00.000-07:00

Fourth day in a row of before-work pool workout. It would have been sooo easy to go back to sleep for 2 more hours this morning. But I didn't.

And after battling the scale up and down for two weeks or so, it did finally move down to a new(er) low. I now have only eight pounds to go to be back at 100 pounds lost. After that, it will be 24 pounds to be under 300 pounds for the first time in 13 years. I'm looking forward to seeing how close I can come to that by the end of the year, and breaking through that barrier next year.

Here's to a great Thursday...and Friday for the 5th day of morning workouts!

Day 3 of Early Morning Pool Workouts

2011-09-21T07:46:00.000-07:00

Day 3 - yay, me!

However...today wasn't as much of a success as I'd hoped. Today I had a longer drive to and from a farther-away YMCA to take what I thought would be a fabulous interval class. Not so much. It was fine, and I did learn some stuff. But apart from that, I didn't find there to be enough benefit to the longer drive. And I ended up being late for work, so that's a serious drawback.

I learned more about proper form, which I can (and will) take with me to my own workouts. I got in a longer workout than the 30 minutes I've been doing this week (but I could always extend mine, even though mine has had more intervals).

I'm more tired today - stayed up later than I should have for getting up at 5:30. Tonight will need to be an early night, since I need to be up early again tomorrow!

I was truly mad at the scale this morning for not moving fast enough. I hit a new low a couple of weeks ago and then bounced back up by 4 pounds...and have been struggling with those since then. I'm within a half-pound of that low again, but I was hoping I'd be there already. But you can't rush this kind of progress, I know.

I feel better; smaller; but not yet 100-pounds lost smaller. And rightfully so; I still have about 10 pounds to go. I didn't make it by Labor Day...or by the end of the Summer. I may not make it by the end of September or by the time I go to visit my Dad in October. But I will get there.

Chlorine in the Morning

2011-09-20T06:34:00.001-07:00

Day Two. In a row. Go me!

It was harder today to get up and go. I left ten minutes later, took a new route, and was in the pool 7-8 minutes later than yesterday. Less people there today, but not by much. I realized that the outdoor pool at this YMCA is still open, which means there are lap swimmers out there who may move indoors when that pool closes (mid-October). I hope that doesn't cause lots of crowding.

I'm doing 30 minutes, with quite a few intervals. It feels good. The only trouble is the water in that pool is really warm. I don't know how that impacts my workout. I know that lap swimmers like the water a bit colder, so I wonder how they feel about it. Folks working with joint issues need it warmer. I tried to check the thermometer - looked like 88 degrees which I think is pretty warm.

It was a bit harder to go because my husband was awake when I left. He couldn't sleep. And I'm sure when he heard my alarm go off at 5:30, he thought I was nuts. Yesterday, he didn't realize I was gone. But today he did, and I figure he thinks I've lost my mind. However...I NEED this.

Was able to be out of the pool, quick showered, and to the grocer again for necessities. Home by just a bit after 7:30 when I needed to start work. It works well, if I can keep it up.

Tomorrow will be the challenge. I'm going to try to go a bit earlier, to a class that meets from 6:15-7:05 but is farther away. 50 minutes of H2O F.I.T./Run, which I know has lots of intervals. If I can do that on Wednesday and Friday, that should mix up my workout enough, I think.

Proud of me. We shall see what the results hold after a week of this new plan. An added benefit - I get a pool workout in on Friday when I didn't before.

Morning at the Pool

2011-09-19T05:53:00.000-07:00

I've tried for well over a year - maybe even two. I've set the alarm. I've laid out the clothes. And when the alarm rang, I reset it and decided that I'd exercise after work, like always.

My plan was that if I could just exercise in the morning, it would free up the rest of the day. The drawback was that there wasn't a water exercise class early enough except for 2 days per week, at a farther-away YMCA. So I'd have to do my own workout. Not a huge issue - I've done it before (twice) - but it would mean doing my thing in a lap lane and hoping not to get in the way, at least three days per week.

I took an exercise hiatus for perhaps a year (not a good idea) because I felt the 2 hours in the evening were important to spend with my family. And they were. But I needed those 2 hours too. And in May, I got over feeling like it was selfish and just took those 2 hours, four evenings a week, back for myself. It meant eating dinner later; sometimes eating take-out; but it worked. I feel like I got myself back on the horse, and if I need those 2 hours every evening, then so be it.

But I kept setting that alarm from time to time. Especially on the days when the class takes place at far-away-Y from 6:15-7am. And also on Friday, when there isn't a class in the evening at all. And I keep sleeping through it; shutting it off.

But not today.

Today the alarm rang at 5:30 and I got up. I had planned NOT to go to the pool this evening. As bad as it may be, my family is a TV family, and there are new shows tonight that we want to watch together. We are TIVO-less, so I had planned to be home tonight. I had considered working out right after work, being home by 7, but that didn't give me the time I like from 5-7 to work with my daughter on school stuff. No...the absolute best thing would be if I could exercise in the morning.

And I did. I was nervous - what if there were lots of lap swimmers and I was in the way? What if I couldn't get up in time to get in the good workout and also get home by 7:30 to start work?

A friend from my evening class said that I'd never know about the size of the morning crowd until I checked it out, and I should go on a busy day. That meant Monday. So that, plus the pre-planning of knowing I wasn't working out tonight may have been the spark. Who knows?

I left home at the (ungodly?) hour of 5:45. Figured out that I need to take a different route next time (tomorrow?) to minimize traffic lights and probably save me 5 minutes. But I was in the pool by 6:10 - in my own lane - and out by 6:40, after a good 30 minutes of interval work. Just as good, in my opnion, as the 40 minute class in the evening that starts with 5 minutes of slow and ends with 5 minutes of stretching.

I asked the lifeguard when leaving if this was about the level of crowd that was typical, and if it was a problem that I didn't swim laps and was doing more water-jogging stuff. He said that the first lane was generally reserved for that - people with mobility issues or who were doing other things. I was the only one in that lane this morning, but would have gladly shared it as long as I didn't feel like I was in anyone's way.

This YMCA has lovely shower facilities. So tomorrow (!) I plan to bring my own shampool and such and just prepare for my day there.

I was out today by 6:55 and made it to Sprouts on the way home at 7 when they opened to buy some raw cashews for my mother-in-law's 80th birthday...and some chicken for tonight's dinner. I could easily hit any grocery store at 7am on this schedule. And I was home to start work right at 7:30, after grabbing much-needed water and coffee.

The only drawback I see now is that I'm a bit tired (needed more sleep). I may need a nap. I will need to figure out how to get to bed earlier than I'm used to in order to get enough sleep.

I am proud of myself for finally doing it. It does work like I thought it would (even down to stopping at the grocer on the way home for necessities so that I don't have to run out later in the day). Now the challenge is to continue. I may shoot for the far-away-Y with a class on Wednesday/Friday - won't have time to hit a store on the way home and may have to leave a bit earlier, but I'd like to mix it up and see what that class is all about.

Long post, but when I only post a couple times a month, that's how it goes.

When I lose weight

2011-09-01T08:11:00.000-07:00

There's a book called something like "does this clutter make my butt look fat" that I need to read. It's interesting that there seems to often be a connection between cluttered houses and overweight people. Not always...I know people who are a bit overweight and who have immaculate houses, and I know people who are thin as rails and live in really cluttered spaces. But it seems (in my non-scientific observations) that often, a heavy person has a cluttered environment.

I don't know why this is. Does the "stuff" substitute for the things we feel we are missing out on? Do we surround ourselves with stuff like we surround ourselves with our excess size to form a barrier - protection from something? Both are probably true.

But I don't really need to know about the collective and why people do it in general...I need to know why I do it, so that I can stop.

How many times during my live have I thought about something that I could do "when I lose weight?" A lot. Plenty of things can be done even now, and there's no reason to put life on hold. But some things need a smaller body. So those things have to get put on hold. But on that front, I keep making progress.

A light bulb went on over my head earlier, though, when I thought about my house. Which is always in a state of disarray and has too much stuff for it's size. Even with efforts to declutter over time, we don't seem to make progress. And I remember ages ago having our daughter tell someone that she would invite them over "when we clean up our house."

This makes me really, really sad. I have two projects that I really need to be working on. And I need to stop giving the second one lip service and just do it. The key is finding the time. But it can be found.

Blogging, No. Losing, Yes!

2011-08-17T06:20:00.000-07:00

I haven't been blogging. Which for me is usually a sign that I'm off the wagon. But I'm not.

I have been tracking food and exercise on Sparkpeople, and am staying active on the South Beach site. But I haven't come up with anything to write about here, for some reason. I had plenty to write about in 2009 - I can see from my archives.

But only one little post for July. Oh well!

I suppose it doesn't matter. What matters is whatever works for me. Blogging was working in 2009. I will probably get back into it soon. I still read lots of blogs for inspiration.

But this time, though there is no blogging, there IS losing.

I have lost almost 20 pounds this summer (19.75!) - out of a goal of 32.5 I set for myself (to finish by end of September). I still may not get there, but I'll be darn close.

What is working: keeping calories between 1500-2000 (some days I am a bit under; some a bit over; it seems to even out) and water aerobics classes 5 days a week. I haven't missed a class since my birthday in July - more than a month now with perfect attendance.

As I check the scale, and it moves down, all I can think is "It works." Eating healthfully with a certain amount of calories plus exercise works. I think I've found the secret. I should let everyone know.

Cheers!

I should write about that

2011-07-16T17:39:00.000-07:00

I've had so many moments over the past month or so since I posted here where I've had some random thought or occurrence that I thought would be the basis for a good little blog post. I fail to capture these thoughts and then I get too busy to write something that I feel is worthy.

So since I have a spare moment, I think I'll jot a few thoughts down, not giving any of them the time they deserve.

I've exercised and eaten pretty well now for a week or so (before that it was a little touch and go for a while). No matter what I do, I seem to hover around 350. I'm apparently really good at maintaining that weight. It makes me wonder how much I need to work out and how low I need to drop my calories if I'm not losing at 1500 calories and 5 workout days in a week. I need to wait it out some more, but I'd really like to get closer to 340, and soon.

There are a lot of really overweight people. The SparkPeople group for people trying to lose 200+ pounds has grown from about 900 to almost 1800 in that past 2 months. I know that as a percentage of the overall population, 1800 people is not much. But it still seems like a lot.

Many people have no clue about how to eat healthfully. As a "professional" dieter, I feel like I know nutrition pretty well by now. It amazes me at the questions that get posted on message boards and the ideas people have about what is healthy.

I heard something on the radio about fighting the childhood obesity epidemic. I know lots of kids and see lots of others. I rarely see kids who are obese. I know there is a problem, but I wonder if it can really be called an "epidemic." Of course, these kids (wherever they are) are the ones who aren't learning about healthy eating and in 10 years will be asking the questions I referred to above.

I don't want to be my mom. I don't want to be 67 years old with limited mobility. Her's is not entirely due to weight (she weighs 100 pounds less than me, for goodness sake). But it would probably be much better if she lost some more, which she is doing. I wonder how bad my knees will be in 22 years if I don't keep doing something about this problem now.

27 pounds is a lot. I carried in a 3-gallon water bottle today and I decided to weigh it. 27 pounds. It was so darn heavy. To think that I used to carry around the equivalent of a little less than 3 of those, it's no wonder I was in the state I was back then. But if I could lose another water bottle's worth of weight, think how much lighter on my feet I'd be? And at the end of the day I'll be losing more than ten of those suckers. I can't figure out where on my body that much weight is...but it must be there.

I know I've missed lots of the things that made me think, but this is a start.

Surprising difference

2011-06-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

I have often thought that a larger human can lose quite a bit of weight before it really makes a difference. I mean...25 pounds really isn't much on a 400-pound person, I figure. I had lost 50 before anyone noticed without being told in advance. But I know I felt better after the first 25 or so.

But as someone who is still a really large human (in the mid-300s), I wouldn't expect 9 pounds to make a difference. But it does. I can really feel the difference between being in the 350s and being in the 340s. I can't necessarily see it...but I can feel it.

There is more room between the steering wheel and me than there was a few weeks ago.

I fit better in my office chair.

A long skirt I wear a lot is so loose, it now skims the floor.

I remember 2 years ago being about 24 pounds lighter than I am right now. And I remember how good I felt. I'm not sure how a 323-pound person could feel small, but I did. I can't wait to have that feeling again, and then to see what it's like to feel even smaller as I go.

My summer plan was to be 323 by the end of the summer - a loss of 32.5 pounds. I've lost 9, so I'm more than 25% there. I'm very happy about that.

I'm also happy with myself for not giving in to unhealthy eating today. There was some stress today, and I really wanted to dive into a loaf of bread...but I didn't. I made a really tasty dinner, but stuck to being healthy. Proud of myself.

A mini-goal met, finally!

2011-06-17T18:51:00.000-07:00

When I got back on this horse 3.25 weeks ago, I needed to lose less than 6 pounds to reach the first mini-goal I set for myself, which was to get back under 350 (and stay there this time). I honestly thought that I would do this in one week. At my size, given the amount of exercise I was doing and what I was eating, 5.5 pounds in the first week was certainly doable.

I lost 4 pounds the first week and was happy with that. It would happen in week 2 for sure, right?

I lost 1 pound in week 2...not quite there.

And then I gained a pound in week 3! What in the world was going on here?

It had to be some weird water retention, or constipation (sorry, TMI, I know). So instead of saying "what the heck" and having the ice cream or the Taco Bell, I stuck it out.

And today I finally dropped under that 350 mark. It really doesn't matter how long it takes, as long as it happens. Now to stay here and move downward.

This Summer, I want to get back to having lost 100 pounds. There are 14 weeks in what I've defined as "Summer" - June/July/August. I had figured on 2-3 pounds per week, which would get me there, or close. And I suppose I'm on track. I've lost 6.5 pounds in just over 3 weeks. I need to lose 26 more pounds in 11 weeks to get there. 2.4 pounds per week. Not probably doable, but I'll kick the exercise up a bit to help.

A better time frame, actually is my goal to be under 300 by year end. Exactly 50 pounds away now. With about 28 weeks left in the year. That might be doable.

___________________

If anyone is still reading this...any idea why I can't post comments to other blogs? When I go to another blog, it doesn't recognize me as logged in, so it asks me to log in when I want to post my comment. And then it gives me the word to type in for security...and then asks me to log in again...and then a different security word...and then the login screen again...in a continuing loop.

I have good things to say! This has frustrated me for a few weeks now. Any help is greatly appreciated!

Weigh in Thursday - a quarter pound is a quarter pound

2011-06-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

After last weeks loss of *only* a pound, I of course was expecting more this week. And in a week's time (yesterday), I actually gained back that pound. So I checked again this morning and that pound has left again, along with a smidgen.

On the one hand, this doesn't make me happy. On the other, I was really (really!) glad to see a new(er) low this morning. As I've mentioned before...it's really not like I could be doing anything else. Eating well; exercising. It will happen. It may just be much slower than I would like. Proof that doing this in your 20s is a whole lot easier than in your 40s. But then again, in my 20s, I wasn't this large.

I try not to get caught up in the coulda/shoulda/wouldas. It's hard though. Hard not to kick myself for gaining 35+ pounds back. Hard not to kick myself for wasting 2 years when I could have been slowly losing (instead of gaining those 35). Hard not to kick myself for not doing this sooner.

But at least I'm doing it now. I can't change the past, but I have control over the present, which will impact my future.

Hanging in

2011-06-14T11:05:00.000-07:00

The scale is still not cooperating. I'm still eating 1500-1900 calories per day and exercising. I don't know why the scale - or my body - is not responding. But I ask myself: "What's the alternative?" What could I do differently?

At this point, I should be losing weight without exercise. So I should be losing an not gaining. I'm confident things will right themselves. At this point, adding exercise seems counter-productive. I know I'm going to need to add exercise as I lose more. Adding now will mean that it will be almost impossible to add more later, and I want to be able to add later.

On the food front...I really can't be doing anything different. The only thing is perhaps eating more, which sounds odd but could be true, I guess. I really don't think my metabolism has slowed down, especially with the interval exercise.

I have wanted to do things a little differently - to have ice cream or whatever. But I haven't. Today I find myself hungry, so I'm eating. Healthy, but eating. I have a feeling my calories will be higher today, but if I need the fuel, I need the fuel.

So, I'm hanging in. Tomorrow is the day I'm suppose to "weigh-in" but that's just a number on a calendar. Just keep swimming.

Not a good week

2011-06-12T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm not having a good week.

Have I eaten too much? No.

Have I slacked off on exercise? No. I exercised 5 of the past 7 days (not counting today; not sure where that will go).

Have I eaten things I shouldn't? No. I may have had a bit too much cheese, and I had a plain 100-calorie bagel thin instead of a whole grain one - things like that. I have avoided ice cream in several forms, several times. I have not purchased chocolate. Last Saturday I had quite a bit of popcorn at the movies, but other than that, things are just fine.

So why is it not a good week?

It's not the 1-pound loss - that's okay. But it's the 2+ pounds I have gained since then for no apparent reason.

So the past few days have been full of that frustration - I'm doing everything right and I don't see results. I know that what I'm doing is being healthy, so there's not really an alternative (other than to keep tabs on the cheese, of course - but I didn't eat enough cheese to gain 2 pounds). So I'll just keep on doing this - this is what I'd be doing if I were a fit 150 pounds: eating well and exercising. So I'll keep doing that, and I have to be confident the results will come.

It's frustrating though. I mean...I could maintain a weight around 350 pounds with the occasional swing through the drive through for 800+ calories of tamales/burrito/quesadilla. Since I'm NOT doing that, you would think some results would show. I lost 4 pounds in the week where I ate potato chips, for crying out loud. And last week, no chips and I've gained.

And another part of the reason it's not a good week is because I've had to face the fact that I'm a huge human. I mean...I know in my mind that I weigh 350 pounds and have 200 to lose. But I don't usually feel it on my body. And I never SEE it on my body. I don't have a full-length mirror, and today I saw myself in one. I sometimes wonder where the extra 200 pounds is, but today I saw it. How in the world was there ever 70 pounds more of me?

I guess I thought that this would be easier. I'd see 2 pounds a week disappear and feel that I was making progress. I don't feel like I'm making any progress. But I'll hang in and see what happens. As I said...there's no alternative to eating healthfully and being active. The alternative is eating UN-healthfully and going back to being a sedentary slug. Not something that makes sense, and I don't intend to do it.

Weigh-In Wednesday. A pound is a pound.

2011-06-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

So this week I lost *only* one pound. Maybe some more will show up tomorrow and this is just water weight that is hanging on. Or maybe this is just it.

I'm not really disappointed. A pound a week is more than I lost in the past 2 years! And a pound a week is 50-ish pounds in a year. I'd like more, but I'll take it.

'Course...as a 350-pound person (didn't break that mark this week like I'd hoped/expected), I feel justified in thinking there would be more than 1 pound in a week where I've eaten less than 2000 caloires (mostly less than 1500) all days except maybe one, and exercised every day. But maybe that's just me.

It's still a pound in the right direction. One step at a time. Onward!

Tuesday Rides Again

2011-06-07T06:43:00.001-07:00

My nemesis Tuesday has arrived again. I give Tuesday a really bad rap (usually deserved), but yesterday was really horrid, so this Tuesday may not be as bad, relatively.

Tuesday usually means training classes and then getting my daughter to art class. And today is no exception. However...today's art class is much longer, which means it's easier to work while she is there. I have the dilemma about working from Starbucks versus driving all the way home and then back again (probably 20 minutes each way). I choose to save myself the 40 minutes and enjoy a cup of coffee. And maybe a nut/cheese plate. Might be hard to avoid the sweets, though. Something to consider.

Although...it shouldn't be hard to avoid them, given that my new weigh-in day of Wednesday is approaching. The scale is not my friend right now, but I've decided that it doesn't matter. I have exercised EVERY day since May 26th, and I've eaten well throughout that time, not counting a deviation into kettle corn at the movies on Sunday. Pre-popcorn, I was down nearly 1.5, and now I'm back up...but that is very typical of me and popcorn. I'm just hoping it's excess water weight and it washes away by tomorrow. If it doesn't, it shouldn't matter. Because one day or movie popcorn isn't going to be a big deal in the grand scheme. I may see the drop later in the week, which is fine.

Ramble, ramble, ramble.

Thoughts on Thursday

2011-06-02T12:39:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to participate in any challenges right now.

I almost signed up with one, and I also almost joined one on Spark and on the SB site too. But frankly, it would be just one more thing for me to do and keep track of. And I have enough of that already.

I have already committed to eating well (again) and exercising. I have my goal for the summer. And I'm going to be doing that regardless of whether I'm in a challenge. So while I felt for a moment like I was not stepping up, it's really the opposite. I'm stepping up to what I'm able to do. I don't have time right now to figure out why Blogger isn't letting me follow new blogs like I used to, and to send emails, and post updates (beyond what I'll be doing anyway). And when I'm not able to do those things, I'll feel bad. But this is about me feeling GOOD, and I don't see the need to set myself up for feeling bad.

____________

Speaking of feeling good...I feel good. It's the eating well and the exercise (1 week straight, as of last night). I have *good* tricep pain. Last night I had a *bad* hamstring cramp though -odd because when I get cramps in the night, they are usually charlie horses in my calf muscle. This was the first time it was a hammy. Likely caused by the use of fins last night in my deep water class.

I was skeptical about the fins, as I think I posted earlier in the week. They make my knees hurt. But I gave them a shot and it was a really good work-out. I also found out that the Tuesday class is not always a finning class, so I will be heading back there on Tuesdays. It means I won't see my family (or so it will seem) because I'll be away for 2 hours every night. But I need those hours.

I do, however, feel extra tired. I wonder if it's just the ramp up in exercise and I'll get a burst of energy later. I hope that's it. I don't remember being this tired last time I was doing well with exercise. Of course...it's only been one week. One thing missing from my diet has been yogurt, so I need to get that back in. I think it really helps.

Another pool class tonight. Onward!

Wednesday Weigh-in

2011-06-01T07:05:00.000-07:00

Well this is odd. Having been a Sunday weigher for years, I somehow stepped on the scale last Wednesday and decided that if I'm going to gauge progress from week to week, I need to move the official day to Wednesday. Not sure I'll keep it there, but for the next few weeks anyway.

So...this week I lost 4 pounds. I was hoping for 5.5, but you get what you get (and you don't throw a fit). That's a shout-out to my daughter's preschool teacher from long ago.

I'm still ten pounds up from where I got to earlier this year, and about 30 higher than my lowest. But it's the right direction. My summer goal is to make a big dent in those 30 pounds.

_________

I weighed daily, and it was interesting. It went like this: -1.5, -1.5, -1, +2, even, -1.5, -.5. So I lost the 4 pounds in the first three days and then bounced up and back down.

_________

I'm trying to figure out what to do about the pool and water aerobics classes. I went to an old class that I used to attend last night. The time is good (earlier, which means I'm home earlier to make dinner), but the class itself was pretty lousy. And the instructor at the other YMCA who has a class often does "finning" which is hard on my knees. So on Tuesday's maybe I need to just do my own thing.

Monday/Wednesday is a different story. That is when the deep water classes are. I like those, but each has problems. The early one is in the outside pool, which I really do like but for the problem of getting out of the pool with the ladder. I used to attend this class on Mondays, but I weighed 30 pounds less at that time, or close to it. And even at that weight, getting out of the pool was very difficult. In order to spare myself some embarrassment, I think I have no choice but to skip that outside class for now. The "other" Y class starts later and is actually shorter, but it's a good class and I can get out of that pool with no issues. It just keeps me gone longer in the evening.

Thursday is the one day where I will go to the late class no matter what. That instructor is the best one, hands down. She also does the Saturday class in the morning. So, working this through means that I may need to do my own workout, which I can certainly do, on some days. The only trouble there is that the close pool where I can do that had a sign last night that the water was 78 degrees. That seems quite chilly!

So today is Wednesday. That means either a deep water workout from 7:20-8 or doing my own freezing workout from 6:30-7:15, or staying home and doing the seated elliptical. It will be one of those.

Holiday recovery

2011-05-31T06:57:00.000-07:00

I think I need three-day weekends more often. It's so nice to think that it's time to go back to work and then find out that you have a bonus day.

This is partly because weekends take a lot out of me. I like the freedom of not needing to work (though it always nags at me - there is so much to do, such that I would really benefit by some working on the weekend). I get time to exercise in the morning and forage for food and necessities, rather than the weekday quick-run to the grocer for something critical. But by Sunday night (in this case Monday), I'm worn out. I feel like the weekend should relax me. It does a bit - I guess it relaxes my mind but not my body.

I find the same thing with vacations. I seem to always need at least a day or two to recover from a vacation. It's not just the un-packing...it's something else. And here, it almost is in my mind, too. I feel like I need a transition day. But it's also in my body, like on the weekend.

I rarely drink...so it's not a hangover-type deal. And if I binged on food, I might have a similar after-effect...but I don't do that either (anymore).

I wonder if it will lessen as I lose more weight. I hope so. I remember being over 400 pounds and spending LOTS of time in bed, and how one trip to one store was so very hard on my knees and then I was wiped for the day. Those days are gone, so I can't help but think that I'll see some more benefits as time goes by.

I remember being around 300 pounds when I got married, and I don't remember being tired all the time. Of course, I was 30. So 300 pounds 15 years later may be a different ball game. But it will be better than 350.

Speaking of 350...it's where I hover right now. I have one of those old-fashioned scales with the clunky big weights for every 50 pounds. Ages ago, I had passed the 350 mark but I'm back here again, for the last time. This week, I'm expecting to be able to move down to the 300 mark, and moving past that milestone will be my project for the rest of this year - or however long it takes.

No-chip zone

2011-05-30T16:11:00.000-07:00

I like being in the zone. Often it's a "no-fry" zone - that's when I can swing into a drive through for my husband and daughter and not touch a single fry in the bag on the way home.

Would a fry or two matter? Nope. Not even 5 or 6 would matter, really. Except in that they may give me license to slip down the slope.

I've noticed lately that while I'm in the no-fry zone, I have trouble resisting the bag of chips that my husband might bring into the living room when we are sitting on the couch. Lays BBQ or sour cream and onion...or even Fritos or the chips made out of popcorn that I will admit to buying at Costco yesterday. I ate way too many of those suckers yesterday.

I still was probably fine on calories for the day...but those calories were lacking in nutrition. So I declared a no-chip zone starting today.

It's also a no-ice cream zone (there's a bit of that in my fridge). So...it's basically a NO-CRAP ZONE.

It feels good to be in the zone.

Friend Making Mondays

2011-05-30T12:45:00.000-07:00

I should expand my blog-universe...so here goes.

I'm participating in Friend Making Mondays - here is the link. This looks to be a long post.

FMM: ABC's of Me

Here's how it works...you'll choose topics about yourself, your likes, dislikes, etc. according to each letter in the alphabet, and share a little with us. Oh shhh...you know you love it. ;)

A: Asparagus is one of my favorite vegetables. Mayby THE favorite.
B: My maiden and married names both start with B.
C: Chuck is one of my favorite TV shows.
D: Dishwasher - has been broken for over a year!
E: I have a compact Elliptical that I use sitting down for exercise when I don't hit the pool.
F: I like Fish but my family does not.
G: Garlic = good.
H: Heath bars also = good. But I abstain.
I: Ice cream is also good, but I can make a much healthier alternative.
J: Java. Every day at least once.
K: Kohlrabi - a vegetable from my grandpa's garden during childhood, is my secret veggie weapon now.
L: Lingonberries - one of the few things I buy from IKEA.
M: Mornings are the best time to exercise, but I can't make myself get up early enough (except on Saturdays and holiday Mondays like today).
N: Neflix. Love it.
O: Orion is the constellation that I can always find. And I'm sure I'm not alone.
P: Panera Bread - good food and free wi-fi. Can't beat it.
Q: Quitting is not an option!
R: Riding horses - something I want to do someday with my daughter.
S: Six Flags and SeaWorld - two places to go in the next year.
T: Trusts and Estates and Probate - the kind of laywer I am.
U: Usury - something I learned about in law school and have hardly evern had to remember since.
V: Venice was a really cool place, though it was 25 years ago when I was there. I wonder how different it is?
W: Washington DC - a place I need to take my daughter in the next few years.
X: I'm a bit of a Xenophile. I travelled to several countries, but that was many moons ago.
Y: Yellowstone park - I'd love to go there, too.
Z: Zookeeper - a profession I think my daughter would love and be good at. But let's worry about finishing junior high, first.

If and Finally

2011-05-25T16:48:00.000-07:00

Great post by the Anti-Jared today. I'm too lazy to link to it, but it's a keeper.

It's been an okay day. I ate some things that I probably shouldn't have (sample cookie at the store; rest of my husband's chili baked potato at lunch). But all in all...okay.

As is typical, I'm feeling the weight of how much weight I have to lose. But all I can do is tackle it one meal at a time.

The Terrible Tuesday

2011-05-24T09:21:00.000-07:00

It appears that I faced my typical Terrible Tuesday some four months ago and never recovered. That one must have been a doozy, since I've been absent from my blog ever since.

This weekend, I started writing things down to myself in a journal (on my laptop). It's amazing how many thoughts compete for attention in my head and it is good to try to get them down so that I don't stress about them. Most of those thoughts are about why I can't get myself back on track successfully. But, instead of just thinking about it, I'm back to trying to do something about it.

I wasn't going to worry about my blog. And then I decided to take a look at a few blogs I used to visit. Actually, one in particular. I figured that if anyone from 6 months ago was still blogging, it would be Jack. And he is. A few others have fallen by the wayside, but Jack persists. And though he has put some weight back on (not as much as me!), he perseveres. His WIDTH photos are still there. I never sent mine in. Maybe I will.

I found a link on his blog to another blog I used to read, where the blogger has (just this past weekend) opted for weight loss surgery. I was surprised. I wish her so much luck with this and I hope it's the answer for her. She posted that she never thought she would do this, and that's me, too.

But I think I need these success stories to read and to identify with again. I need to challenge myself to keep pace with others, to keep the scale moving.

This Tuesday isn't so terrible. I don't have my typical 2 training classes to teach and art class to run my daughter to. So the day is free for general work and pondering. And also the hail and tornadoes that are slated to make an appearance, but I'm not going to focus on that.

I looked around my little blog and, apart from the glaring gap between the end of January and now, I like what I see. The goals I set at the beginning of the year are still there. Nothing has changed. I could kick myself a bit for the wasted four months, but that's not something I can change. I need to work on not wasting any more time.

I don't plan to get on the scale until June 19th. Just for my sanity and so I'm not tempted to be too hard on myself. By then, I'll be feeling better regardless of what the number on the scale says.

The Terrible Tuesday

2011-01-31T21:34:00.001-08:00

Tuesday approaches, which is the day where things last week went haywire. They did NOT go haywire to the extent that I should have gained nine pounds, so I'm assuming that is some water weight trickery or some such thing. It (needless to say) put a damper on the progress I'd made in the first couple of weeks of the year.

So this Tuesday won't be quite as demanding - thank you, winter storm. My daughter's art class for tomorrow is cancelled, and with what I expect to be an inch of ice on the road, topped by a couple of inches of snow, I'm not going anywhere. Which means I won't be stuck without snack or lunch. I'll be here all day with my stove, etc.

On the exercise front, I took myself back to the pool on Sunday AND I used my compact elliptical. Today, just the ellipitcal, but 45 minutes. The elliptical will be my friend for the next few days, given the ice and snow. So far, that little machine has been worth every penny.

Here's to a better mid-week this week than last.

Success on Saturday, and the Status Quo

2011-01-29T11:33:00.000-08:00

I did it. I got my butt back to the pool after a hiatus of who knows how long.

And I feel so very good. I had forgotten how much the core muscles get used. I had forgotten how strong I had gotten from the resistance of the water. I have some work to do to get back to that point - where I was when I was hitting the pool 3-6 days per week. It was usually 4 days, as I recall. But lately, it had been nothing, for a very (VERY) long time.

One of the silly things I was thinking before going to the pool was that I was going to be embarassed about not having lost weight since I was last there. I was going to be basically the same size (I think). Silly, silly. Because no one really cares, I don't think. I mean...had I walked in 50 pounds down, someone might have noticed. But otherwise, it's just the status quo.

And it's not just me. The sisters who I have been in classes with before were the same size. The instructor who lifeguards on the weekend (and who tried to sell me some supplement last year that was helping her lose weight) was as heavy as every - probably more so. Did that make me feel better? I'm ashamed to say that it did, a little bit. But this is not about them...it's about me. And it was darn good to be back in the water.

Got me thinking that I have to figure out how to work this into my days. Saturday morning is easy, because my family is still asleep. I don't feel like I'm taking any time away from them. Evenings will be trickier, I think. Or perhaps that's only if I let them be - there's really no reason I can't take those 2 hours for myself in the evenings.

Ideally, if I can swing it, I'd love to be able to hit the pool in the morning, before work. I need to be at my desk at 7:30, so if I can get up at 5:45 and be at the pool shortly after 6, I'll have plenty of time. I may give this a serious shot on Monday, since Monday night is a night that I do like to spend watching TV with my family.

The trick, of course, is getting to bed early enough so that I can wake up at 5:45. I get up that early sometimes, but usually it's when I've procrastinated on a work project and I need a good 2 hours to play catch up before the day really begins. But if I need 7 hours of sleep (truth be told, I'm best with 9), I need to be out by 10:45. It really could work...if I put my mind to it.

We shall see. What I do know is that my Sunday goals will include more pool days. I did NOT get my walk in yesterday (lazy, lazy), but I did this today, and I feel good.

Vanishing Act - Facing the Music on Friday!

2011-01-28T12:56:00.001-08:00

Dropped off the face of the planet there for a few days. And not just from writing on my blog - I felt as if I were in limbo in real life there for a few days. I had two solid weeks under my belt, some exercise goals (and others) set for the week, and I felt like I had a plan.

Turns out, I didn't really have a plan. And I let two things derail me - my "week from hell" and the blasted scale. It may be that had the scale been cooperative - or had I been able to ignore it - I wouldn't have let the stress of the rest of the week trouble me. But here we are. It's past and as a cyber friend once said..."begin again now."

I'm not really beginning again...but after three-and-a-half days of not being mindful - of being almost outside myself when it came to virtually everything that was going on...it feels good to rein myself back in, so to speak. I don't know if I've gained weight or lost it. I may check tomorrow, but in any event will weigh in on Sunday as scheduled. And I'll work on how to make next week better.

The problems no doubt started with seeing the scale go up 4 pounds overnight - which I attributed to sodium from popcorn at the movies. I figured it would go back down the following day, but it went up another pound. That was probably a hormonal/time of the month thing...but it was quite frustrating as I tend to actually have a larger drop at that time of the month - I haven't noticed a lot of water retention. But age does things, and maybe that is starting now. I figured it would drop the NEXT day...but it went UP another pound. By this time, I was six pounds up from the weekend, and I hadn't eaten beyond my calorie budget at all. I also wasn't under-eating - I was right in the middle. So I was stumped and ticked off...but also knowing it had to be hormonal/water retention, and it would wash away.

But that mindset left me ill-prepared, I think, when the treadmill of out-of-the house events started on Tuesday. All went well for my daughter, but I was exhausted - each day a bit more than the last. It culminated today with me presenting a webinar for over 100 people. That went well, but now I'm just wiped out. It's a beautiful day, so I want to go outside and take a walk. And I'm going to force myself to do that before winter blows back in. I had great exercised goals that were abandoned on Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday, along with eating well and logging my food. It felt very much like stepping away from my routine and my life for a few days. And I want it back.

So today I'm going to try to take that outside walk. And tomorrow, I'm going to try to go to the pool in the morning for my old water aerobics class. I used to be there every Saturday morning like clockwork, and it was something I loved. And I'm back to logging (and paying attention to) my food intake. I will try to not fall into a black hole for three days next week!

Onward!

Monday's motivation

2011-01-24T12:52:00.000-08:00

The motivation for this week is the mini-goal. I have a whole lotta weight to lose, but this week I'm looking at 2 pounds, and then another. This week, my first goal is to be under 340, which is just 1.5 pounds. Piece of cake.

After that, I want to hit my overall goal of at least 2 pounds per week, so that means another half a pound. Easy as pie.

And then...I hope to hit 85 pounds lost, which happens at 338. That's another 1.25 pounds. I don't have an easy food comment about that one, because it's the hardest. But that's what I'm shooting for. Three mini-goals, lined up, to be picked off one-by-one.

Now, the unfortunate part is that things are starting off badly. I'm retaining a huge amount of water which is likely due to popcorn at the movies this weekend and hormones. FOUR pounds worth. It should pass in time, but I'm going to help it along by cooking up a bunch of roasted asparagus this week - I love that stuff and it was on mega-sale at Sprouts...so I'm well set for the week with my favorite vegetable.

This amount of water retention is not uncommon for me, so I'm not too concerned. I'm going to stick to my weekly goals and see how many of these mini goals I can knock off.

Yesterday's goals were 100%:

1. within my calorie budget - CHECK!
2. log all food on Sparkpeople - CHECK!
3. some exercise, (with one outside walk and one Wii dance) - CHECK! - it was pedaling, but it was done.

Cheers.

Sunday goals for the week

2011-01-23T10:16:00.000-08:00

So this week I lost 3 pounds. Woohoo!

I feel good about that, and now, onto next week. The scale did tick back up about half a pound this morning, but that is probably from the popcorn I ate at the movies yesterday - far too much, and actually felt really crappy afterward. Amazing how that works - eat good food = feel good; eat crappy food = feel crappy!

So...onto next week!

The goal for the scale will be the same every week - lose 2 pounds. I think for someone of my size, 2 pounds a week is still realistic. But if it doesn't happen this week, I'll take what I can get.

Other goals:

Stay within my calorie range
Faithfully log my intake on sparkpeople
Some exercise every day - including at least one outdoor walk and trying out my Wii dance game (finally). Other days can be whatever; I expect lots of pedaling on my new compact elliptical.

Challenge this week:

My daughter's one day of outside activity that requires a mom-taxi will triple this week - I will have to work remotely and be out and about on Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, instead of just Tuesday. My husband has offered to cook on at least one of those days, so I need to make sure there is room in the kitchen with tools at-the-ready and that will be a great help. We are also cooking together today - a pot roast and a broccoli kugel - both recipes that he found.

I just need to plan ahead for my T/W/Th marathon. I suppose the first step is to stop thinking of it as a marathon, and to be positive. It's really just life. I worry that not being at my desk can be a problem at work, but I can adjust. I may end up coming home during the longer activity, if that makes sense. Or...I can try to snag a workroom at the public library down the street - free wifi and a plug for my laptop. Starbucks works too, but they have music, so talking on the phone isnt easy. One challenge on Thursday is that I have a training class scheduled right during the time that I'm out, so either the library OR coming home (even though that adds 20 minutes of driving each way) are required. I can't teach a webinar from Starbucks.

And the final challenge is that I have to conduct a LARGE webinar on Friday - it's something that could easily have over 100 people listening in. The invitations will go out Monday. It will probably be just fine...but I'll still be nervous.

So...onward!

Saturday slice of the past

2011-01-22T12:26:00.000-08:00

Not a slice of pie, but of the past. On the SBD message boards, someone posted about free food at the office and conferences. I remember those days. In the past few years, I have been much better about food at conferences. I haven't been to too many lately, but I have made good choices, or the best choice possible, when I have. I remember a company meeting a couple of years back where lunch was pizza. I had one slice of veggie pizza and called that lunch. In years past, it would have easily been three slices.

Conferences these days sometimes have healthy options. I remember one legal eduction seminar where there were lean meats and asparagus and salad. All really good. And I also remember breakfast bars that are loaded with starches and sweets - harder to navigate. In many cases, I will take a taste of something unhealthy because it's my only chance to sample that item (since I'm usually at a really high-end hotel where I'm not likely to be again). But it's a small deal and it doesn't derail efforts to be healthy or lose weight, really.

I remember vividly something that DID derail efforts, though for this I have to go back about 7 years. To Friday, which was donut day. The donuts came into the kitchen early. If I got there early, I could get the jelly filled. Later, and I'd be left with chocolate glazed. But if I got there early and snagged the jelly filled, I could also wrap a cruller or two - or a cinnamon sugar - in a napkin. Three free donuts - score! Sometimes more. If I planned ahead, I could take an empty file folder with me, and you could stash 3-4 donuts in there. Of course, I'd only fill up the file if the kitchen was empty (which it usually was) - the file was just cover to get them back to my office.

And donut day also included bagels, and cream cheese. Lunch that day would often be 2 bagels. And later in the afternoon, if there were still bagels left, I'd grab them. I could easily end up with 4-6 donuts and 4 bagels. All for free and each 300 calories or more, not counting cream cheese. I truly hope there were no observation cameras in that kitchen. How embarrassing.

I don't have donut day anymore because I don't work in an office. And I wonder if I would go back to that old (franklky, bingeing) behavior if I did. I'd like to think that I wouldn't - that I wouldn't make it a point to get to work early on that day for the sugar and flour and grease and fat. But I truly don't know. I guess it's a good thing I don't work in an office any more.

In the past, I remember not having birthday cake at a company celebration...so I think if I can do that, I can skip the donuts. Fortunately I don't have to find out any time soon.

Fitness on Friday?

2011-01-21T15:44:00.000-08:00

Yes! Fitness on Friday!

Now, it's no huge deal, but it's something. Anything is more than the nothing I've been doing.

As a really large human, normal things like cooking and cleaning are taxing. I can't wait for the day when they aren't. But beyond that...I've had exercise on the back burner for a while. I had planned today to do one of three things for exercise (walking DVD, actual walk, or Wii dance game). I ended up doing none of those things.

But I did 30 minutes of something!

I ordered an odd little elliptical machine last week and it happened to arrive today. I wasn't sure if I'd like it - it is something that I can use while sitting, which makes it more like a recumbent bike. I used it twice for 15 minutes a pop, and I'm pleased as punch. It wasn't huge cardio, but it was something. I think it's my entry back into more.

Patience, grasshopper

2011-01-20T19:32:00.000-08:00

I don't know if that line was ever in the movie, but it is what I said to myself this morning when I was frustrated at the non-moving scale.

I've been within my calorie budget all week. And I've lose one measly pound. So I'm frustrated. HOWEVER...I realize as I type this, that it's been 4 days. Just barely half a week. And I'm hoping for 2.5 pounds a week, so I'm really not that far off track. So I should just be quiet and quit whining.

Which is why I talked to myself about patience.

The trouble is...for a nearly 350-pound woman who is eating 1800 calories or less...it seems that I should have lost more. Doesn't it?

But then again...I'm within my calorie budget. I'm doing all I can do on the food front. I am NOT exercising yet, and I realize that would help immensely. Apart from exercise, there's really not more that I could have done. So I have to accept the pace, and that it may be slow. So be it. But even sitting on my duff I should have lost a bit more if you do the calorie math.

Of course, the calorie math doesn't always show up on the scale. Even my cyber friends who wear Bodybuggs to tell them exactly what their "burn rate" is will report that the Bodybugg said they should have lost X pounds but they only lost Y. So it is what it is...keep on keeping on.

I'm going to set an exercise goal though, for next week. Heck, I should set one for tomorrow!

So here goes. I will tomorrow either (1) do a 1-mile DVD walk, (2) take a 20-minute walk, or (3) try out my Wii Dance on Broadway game that I got for Christmas.

Eek. Now that it's in writing, I guess I have to do it!

Wednesday's Word for the Day: Procrastination

2011-01-19T06:46:00.000-08:00

I am the world's best at putting stuff off and then getting it done at the last minute. Pity it doesn't work with weight loss...goodness knows I've put that off long enough.

Aside...it also doesn't work with education, i.e. homeschooling. It's hard to play catch-up when you let yourself get behind. I kick myself for that one (nearly) every day.

But today I lament about putting off some work stuff and now trying to get it done double-time. All will work out fine in the end, but I'm reminded how that if I had paced myself from the start, this flurry of stress wouldn't be happening.

Why is it so hard for me to learn this lesson? Back in high school, when I'd put off an assignment and whip it out the day it was due (sometimes writing a paper due in Sixth Period English Class during periods 1-5 on the same day) - I'd get an A and it seemed like the best thing to do. Why put in all that effort for several days when you can get the same result in one?

In college...I tried the same approach. It didn't work as well. I wouldn't get an A unless I lucked out, so I either had to be content with Bs and Cs on last minute work, or work a bit in advance. So I learned to work a bit in advance (big emphasis on "a bit").

In the real world (i.e., a job where you want to make sure they keep paying you), I think I'm back to the high school mode. Things get done and praised whether I work on them for one day or five, so why do five? However...the stress level on that one day is extreme, and it usually involves something crazy like setting an alarm for 4am. Which is what I did today.

So...I'm going to try very hard not to do this for the next project. It's something I've said before, but I never wrote it down or anything. Maybe that will help.

Terrific Tuesdays

2011-01-18T12:50:00.000-08:00

Tuesday once again rears its head. Work is busiest on Tuesday and my daughter has places to be.

I'm behind on things for work...and today is not the day where I can catch up. So I will be working this evening.

Tuesday is always a bit of a frenzy. And starting next week...Wednesday and Thursday will be added to the mix, because my daughter will start some acting and singing classes. Mondays and Fridays will be savored!

As for this weight loss effort...I've been within my calorie range consistenly, some days more than others, which I think is fine - keeps my body guessing. I'm alternately amazed by how much I can eat for how few calories (lean meats and vegetables) and how many calories some things tack on (cheese, nuts, sweet things).

I keep weighing daily, but the scale has not gone down since Sunday. I'm not letting that freak me out...although I do want to hit my goal of 2.5 pounds this week! I think it will go down in a day or so...likely some excess sodium that is not letting the pounds go. I also realize that it is *only* Tuesday - it's only been two days.

I just keep swimming...

Lost my motivation?

2011-01-17T08:13:00.000-08:00

Is it possible that I've already lost my motivation? That thought comes to me as I try to figure out what one thing is motivating me the most this week...and try to make it different from last week.

Of course, there is a long list of things that motivate me. What is hard, for me who has so much to lose, is that those "things" that are things to look forward to are so far down the road. I mean...I'm motivated because I want to be a normal-sized mom. I want to look fit and healthy. I want to be sure that my size won't embarrass my daughter. I want to know that I'll fit in any chair.

Those things are all great motivators, and all of them have crossed my mind in the past few days. Trouble is...NONE of them will happen in the short term, or even this year. Odds are, not until 2013. I'm okay with that - it's a long road. But when it comes down to what is motivating me RIGHT NOW, I don't see how I can point to any of those things.

As I've said (to myself, maybe to others) from time to time, if I have a piece of cheesecake today, it's not going to make much of a difference in my weight loss. I'll still have a long way to go, regardless. But if I have the piece of cheesecake over and over, I'll never get there. So how to keep going with the healthy so that I make those small steps?

I guess I come back to the scale this week. I really want to get back to having lost 100 pounds. I want to be there, like tomorrow. I know it's 20 pounds away, so it's more like 10 weeks away. Which is frustrating, yet it does keep me going.

Last year, I got back in the saddle and had a great week, losing about 10 pounds in one week. And then I stopped. I can't recall if it was because the holidays arrived - probably. So I don't want to stop this week, after having such a good week last week. I've eaten a healthy breakfast and may actually go take a walk in a bit.

First Sunday

2011-01-16T07:08:00.000-08:00

This is my first Sunday weigh in of the year (well, after the first one where I got my starting point).

This week = 6.25 pounds. None too shabby.

As I've reminded myself before, it just goes to show how lousy I was eating. It was mindless - whatever presented itself, I ate. In order to lose weight, I know I can't do that. But I also can't do that if I'm going to maintain my loss. I have to figure out how to be present in the moment almost all the time, so that I don't go down the mindless eating road.

I went out to get fast food for my family yesterday (after eating leftovers - tasty ones, so I really wasn't missing out - for myself). On my way home, driving down fast-food row, I recalled the times I'd pull through the Long John Silvers/A&W combo restaurant and order fried clams, fried cheese curds, and crab cakes. Sometimes I'd toss in a piece of fish (which came with those little crunchy things - what are those?), or even some huspuppies (more crunchy things!) - and it struck me how many calories that could be if I went home and tallied it up. I'm not eating that stuff, so I don't really need to spend the time or know...but I know it would have been a huge amount.

It wasn't always fast food, but it was always something. I'm really sort of surprised that I didn't gain more. I suppose the fact that I was trading off with healthy meals was a help.

This is the heady, exciting time at the beginning of a weight-loss program. Even though it's not my beginning, it was a renewed start, and I feel like I'm in that zone. I'm already feeling antsy, though. Where I want to be NEXT. When the scale will move to that next decade of pounds, and then the next and the next. I need to find a way to calm down and just roll with it. It needs to be slow, it's going to be slow, and I need to let it happen.

After this first week...I'm going to hope that I can lose 2 or 2.5 pounds per week. It may not happen, and I need to make sure I'm okay with that, and that it won't send me straight into a cheesecake. I am cautiously optomistic.

Saturday at last

2011-01-15T08:54:00.000-08:00

I've been waiting for Saturday so that I could go buy some good food. Not that we haven't been eating good food...but we are running low on eggs (egad! - especially with the amount we eat), and I want to pick up some cool things like fennel.

So I'm off on Saturday morning errands to hit the 99 cent store (to check their produce), Aldi (45 cent eggs), Sprouts (blackberries!), HMart (I hope to find fennel and spaghetti squash), and then the old standby of Walmart. That's a lot of stops, and I may shove one of them off until tomorrow. Sprouts is a bit out of the way, so that will probably get the axe.

I've been diligent about tracking my calories all week at sparkpeople. And I've found some interesting things - things I should have known but just didn't, or didn't want to. It probably was denial. Cheese and nuts are things that can be easily over-eaten. Even lowfat cheese is really high in calories when you compare it to other foods. This really hit home when I tracked my calories. My "allowed" serving of nuts is at least 200 calories. That's a lot, when you are sticking to under-2000. That's 10% of your day in nuts!

So I'm going to be sparing with the nuts, as I have a new-found motivation to do so. I didn't often go overboard, but I often wanted to...and now I think I'll do better.

Cheese was similar. There were days when my pie chart of food had a huge chunk as being cheese - it had that many calories as a percentage of my whole day. Needless to say, the days where it was easier to stay within my limits were days where cheese was little or none.

Other things jump out. A snack of veggies and laughing cow cheese gets doubled in calories when you add crackers to the mix. A snack of a banana and almonds (on the go at Starbucks) will have more calories than any other meal, even a big dinner. Banana bread had loads of calories, even though one piece sounds harmless.

The calorie thing shows me why I wasn't losing weight last year. I was having too many of those extra things - especially cheese and starchy things.

My plan for next week is to keep the focus on healthy eating and tracking calories. I'm not planning to overtly worry about exercise for another week or so. There are now 50 weeks left in 2011. If I can lose 2 pounds per week (yes, it's a big "IF," I realize), I can be 100 pounds less than where I am right now by year-end. I REALLY want to be 70 pounds less than where I am now by year-end, which is 1.4 pounds per week. Also tough, but doable. Anything else will be gravy.

Girl Scout Cookies

2011-01-14T10:42:00.000-08:00

I know!

Why would I have these things in my house?

They are leftover from last year. This year, we will not feel compelled to buy these from our own daughter, so we will likely buy less of them. We bought a LOT of them last year. Is it any wonder I didn't lose any weight last year?

So in the process of kitchen clean-up for the new year, I discovered a stash of girl scout cookies that we had put away for my mom, dad, and mother-in-law. Bless my parents' hearts...they each paid for cookies they never reveived. They were not in the freezer (unfortunately), but they still appear to be fine. They certainly TASTE fine...

I found these earlier in the week and opened two different kinds, having one serving of each type. I diligently recorded them on my sparkpeople food log. It sure can put a dent in your calories for the day when one cookie is 60 calories. But that first day, I limited myself to breakfast. The second day, and third, I think I had none at all. They got moved back on the counter and weren't as visible - out of sight and out of mind. And then there was yesterday. I cleared the counter to use the crockpot (great swiss steak for dinner - a new thing I had never tried, but I really liked). And there were the cookies. To my credit, I moved them aside and didn't eat any. But they called to me later. I grabbed two of the shortbreads (those are only 32 calories each) and figured that was just fine to have with coffee, and I could limit myself.

I ended up reverting to the "old me" and eventually polishing off the rest of the sleeve. Probaby about 10 cookies. So the ability to limit myself is not really there - I have learned! I won't open the other sleeve at all.

This relates back to what I wrote about yesterday - I can't throw out food that is still good. These cookies are technically still good. I know that if I point them out to my husband, he will say they are not and that we just wasted that money and we should toss them. I dont' want to waste that money. I suppose if I just keep waiting, they eventually WILL go bad and then I won't have a choice.

The moral is to not buy a whole mess of girl scout cookies. We don't need them now and we didn't need them when we bought them. It was a guilt thing...we work from home so there is no office to sell them at, and the only way to make our quota was to buy them ourselves. Not a good solution.

At least this year we don't have to make that decision/feel that guilt.

On the plus side, the scale moved downward again. Today will be good and cookie-free so that I stay on track for Sunday's official weigh in. My cookie adventure won't derail my progress this week, but it gives me something to think about.

Garbage disposal

2011-01-13T09:16:00.000-08:00

I have a hard time throwing away food. Caveat: I end up throwing away some because I let it go bad before I eat it, and I don't have any choice in that matter, and in those cases it's not hard to toss it...and I do kick myself. But I have a hard time when the food is perfectly good.

My husband is not a big fan of leftovers, with a few exceptions. Leftover roast is okay...as is leftover chili. However, he has a habit of finding a new recipe that he thinks will be really good, and we try it and it's just meh. And then he doesn't want the leftovers. Case in point...we got a recipe via email for chicken corn chowder made in the crock pot. Very easy, which I like, but not the healthiest. It called for potatoes, which I try to avoid mostly...as well as creamed corn and a cream of something soup. So not something I would ordinarily eat.

But since part of my challenge is to prepare meals for my husband that he'll like, I figured this was a no-brainer and easy. I liked it fine. I could have made it healthier if I hadn't been following the recipe. (Another fault of my husband is that he's not fond of me taking liberties with a recipe - he'd prefer I follow it exactly because taking liberties could screw it up.) So it was fine, and easy. He ate it for one meal, but it wasn't anything to write home about...meaning I had several servings of leftover soup that only I would eat, yet I didn't want to because of the ingredients.

I reached a compromise with that soup yesterday...pulling the chicken out of it and eating that, while tossing the rest. I'm happy with that. I thought about freezing it, but why? It would just take up freezer space for something that noone wanted to eat for one reason or another.

This happens from time to time. I make something for my husband/daughter and they are over it before it's gone. So I'm left with eating it myself or tossing it. Or freezing it, if possible. They aren't fond of frozen/thawed/reheated stuff either, so sometimes I have to be covert. It's a challenge.

It may get somewhat easier as my husband is realizing he needs to lose a bit of weight. Not nearly as much as I do. But some. We shall see.

This discussion explains why I had a piece of red velvet cheesecake last night. I'm not having trouble with it, because I had PLENTY of room in my calorie budget yesterday. It was the last piece, leftover still from New Year's dinner, and my daughter didn't want it. Husband wouldn't have - it was over a week old, after all. But it was cold and nearly frozen and perfectly fine. And I could NOT toss it. I ate it. It was good. I don't think it will impact my loss overall for the week.

I've been counting calories, which lets this be OK. I'm realizing that just because a diet plan says "NO" on something doesn't mean I have to say "no" all the time. Sure...most of the time, because the goal is to be healthy and cheesecake isn't healthy. But the goal is also to live my life, and cheesecake is life. Not often, but on a special occasion.

Wednesday Word of the Day

2011-01-12T07:08:00.000-08:00

I can't keep myself off the scale. I know that is because I'm working hard at this and I know that I'm making progress day by day. I also was really close to getting back to the 75-pound mark...so I had to check today. That means I've been weighing daily, which has its merits but also can be discouraging.

I recall when I got back in the saddle at some point last year - perhaps around September - that I lost a large amount in the first week. I weighed daily, and I saw the scale move downward almost every day except for one, when it went back up a few pounds. That day sucked. But I reminded myself it was just a fluid shift, and it was gone in the next day or two. I'm curious to see if that pattern repeats itself.

As for now...I did hit that next mini-goal of getting back to 75 pounds gone...and now I'm working on getting back to 80 gone. Since Sunday, I've lost a bit more than 4 pounds. As with times before...that just goes to show me how lousy I had been eating, even though I was in denial about it.

So I've decided that the word of the day is SCALE. Since it is still the biggest motivator for me this week.

Tuesdays are Terrific!

2011-01-11T09:29:00.001-08:00

Actually, they are usually terrible, but I tell myself they are TERRIFIC! so that I can make it through. You know...if you say something enough times, you start to believe it. I hope.

Why do Tuesdays stink? Mondays are generally laid back at work. This week, even moreso because most of the company is at a trade show trying to sell our product. I'm not there (glad for that, actually), so I have time to keep working on the product without much interruption. And Mondays in general are just not very busy.

On Tuesday, however, I have to teach training classes. At least one. Which can either be a breeze or a minefield. Usually it's a breeze, but the minefield potential contributes to the pall over Tuesday.

And then my daughter has an art class, smack in the middle of the day. So Tuesday is often the only day where I work remotely, juggling air card and computer battery and cords to recharge. Thursdays sometimes, but for some reason that day seems easier. Probably because it's at the end of the week. The art class mucks up my work schedule and our home schooling schedule, which makes Tuesday's a pain. Hence the need to try to think positive.

So this Tuesday, today, is TERRIFIC! for a number of reasons:

1. I reached my first mini goal, even though I officially weigh in on Sunday. And I'm only 1/2 pound from my next mini goal. That's what happens when goals are only 2 pounds apart. Won't happen after this week, I know.

2. I had only one training class today, which makes the mom taxi easier and not so rushed this afternoon.

3. It's a pretty calm day otherwise at work. Thank you, trade show.

4. I'm wearing denim leggings that I know didn't fit in the past. They are good for keeping me warm, since it's so darn cold outside.

5. I think that's all I've got. I did learn that I apparently lose weight between 4 and 8am. I was up all night (not sleeping well) and figured I'd check my progress after visiting the facilities at 4am. But when I checked again at 8am, I was 1.5 pounds lighter. Go figure.

Ciao!

My Monday Motivation

2011-01-10T09:43:00.000-08:00

Today's motivation - move that scale.

I re-entered my current weight and a goal of being below 300 by the end of the summer into Sparkpeople. I know that gives me plenty of time. 50 pounds in 9 months should be (relatively) easy if I'm eating well and exercising. So that is the current goal for this year. If I hit it, I'll set another one.

The current miniscule goal is to move the "350" clunker weight on my scale. That's only a pound away; hence it's a really tiny goal.

The next goal after that puts me back in the quest for 5 pounds at a time. I want to get back to 75 pounds lost...then 80...85, and so on.

So...I'm motivated right now simply by how quickly I can reach some of these little goals. Sparkpeople tells me how many calories I can consume and hit 299 by 9/30/11. The number is a little high, since the weight loss will be slow. So I'm going to be shooting for the lower end of the range, and I'm going to be tracking all of my calories. I know it comes down to calories in vs. calories out. Plus, this allows me to do things like eating the rest of the mashed potatoes that I didn't actually make for me without the guilt of "oh crap, I ate white potatoes."

Over the past few days of easing back into the truly healthy mindset, I've been technically within my calorie budget, but because of cheese (mostly), I've been on the high end. I have a whole other post simmering about that for later in the week.

But for today, my motivation is easy. Simply the number on the scale. I want it to be starting with a 34 ASAP, and then quickly on to reaching 75 pounds (again).

Several weeks from now, I look forward to the point where I'm losing new pounds, and not ones that I regained over the past year and a half. But that will come.

Starting Point

2011-01-08T08:36:00.000-08:00

I plan to weigh officially on Sunday, as was my habit when I lost my first 80 pounds. I made that decision yesterday or so. But today...since I knew I was going to be facing the scale, I figured I might as well know the damage. I had pegged myself at about 350, but wasn't ruling out that I could be as high as 360. So when the 360 mark on the scale was too much (I have one of those old-fashioned doctor scales where you slide the weights across), I was secretly happy.

The 350 mark wasn't too much though...which means the first order of business will be to get below 350 so that I'll be on the "300" large weight, rather than the "350."

The thing I will NOT focus on is that I'm going to be re-losing about 30 pounds. It's out there...and frankly, I've gained these 30 pounds and lost some of them over the past year and a half already, since I reached that magic 100-pound mark in mid-2009. I'm sick of these 30 pounds. They will be gone this year, along with a few of their friends.

My goal for 2011, now that I know exactly what I'm dealing with, will be to close in on 250.

In good company

2011-01-07T12:56:00.000-08:00

Was 2010 just a lousy year for everyone? On the weight loss front anyway, it seems to have been a year of doing well and then backsliding...or just plain phoning it in, after having a much better 2009. At least for me.

I have noticed quite a few bloggers who had to do the New-Year-Recommitt, just like me. Either they didn't make much progress in 2010 (me!) or they made some progress and then hung a u-turn and undid some of their good work by year end (also me!). Either way, we all are looking forward to 2011 as OUR year.

I can't say that I had a bang-up 2009 either though...if I think back, I realize that 2007 and 2008 were my years. I lost about 40 pounds in the last quarter of 2007...and another 40 in 2008. In 2009, I lost 20 to reach the 100-pound mark, but then I bounced back up. And in 2010, I stayed in the "up" zone. Walking in place, or in a circle. Not getting closer to my destination.

But that has to change. I find that I'm again fearful for my health. Of course, it makes no sense that I wasn't fearful at my low of 322 pounds...that's still not a good place to be. But I suspect that I'm closer to 350 now, and I hate the fact that my left knee is bothesome (again) and I feel twinges in my chest that scare me. Nothing major...not to worry...and I know when to get myself to the ER if I had to. But enough to remind me that it's not just about being smaller and normal sized. It's about lessening the stress that this extra weight has to be placing on my heart, knees, and the rest of my body.

I've been fortunate, so far, to not have health issues related to my obesity. At least as far as I know. My last official blood pressure check was fine, as were the readings I took with my wrist unit last year. This is reminding me that I should go check it again today. Haven't checked in a while. I don't know cholesterol, but sometime this year I plan to get a whole work-up. The bottom line, however, is that I've been lucky. And luck only lasts for so long. A 350-pound woman is going to develop issues much quicker than a 200-pound one, or the 140-pound one that I want to be.

So...I'm eating well, at least as of yesterday. Before that, I was sort of inhaling the holiday goodie remainder, I fear. But I have 1.5 good days under my belt now, and it feels good. I'm not yet tossing myself back into exercise, but that will happen in short order. I will weigh in on Sunday, which was what I did back in those glory days of 2007-2008. I will take good care of me.

Here's to all of us in 2011. We have all done well, and we will all do well again!

Ringing in the New Year

2011-01-06T13:18:00.001-08:00

I was going to let this blog slide. But in order to read some of my favorite bloggers, I had to log in so that I could see the blogs I follow. I guess now that I think about it, Iwouldn't have needed to log in. But I did.

And there was a comment!

Only one, but one was enough. So I suppose I'll try to write something here from time to time. I suppose I'll update my ticker and turn my 2010 goals into 2011 goals and go from there.

Because the bottom line is that I made no progress in 2010 toward being a thinner person. I pretty much maintained my weight (which is a victory compared to prior years, certainly), and for a while I exercised.

2011 will be better in many respects. More to come as I sort things out.

Five Foods Friday

2010-10-15T05:54:00.001-07:00

First things first...the scale keeps moving. I've decided to quit talking about it, and am just keeping track of the weekly low in my side bar. Weekly official weigh-ins on Sunday.

Now back to your regularly-scheduled post.

So, I think I'll start tracking five things I've eaten each week and really enjoyed. Not new things, necessarily. But a reminder that eating healthy tastes good. All of these are things I'll eat again. And most of them are pretty darn easy. These are the top five, in no particular order.

1. Maple pecan banana yogurt (about a cup of nonfat or lowfat plain yogurt with sugar-free maple syrup and Splenda to taste, with a sliced small banana and pecan chips)

2. Turkey slaw pocket (deli turkey, sliced roma tomatoes, and broccoli slaw mixed with 1T ranch dressing and spices and stuffed into a WW pita)

3. Zucchini with meat sauce (couldn't find the spaghetti squash that I'm oh-so-sure I bought, so I thinly sliced a zucchini into "noodles" and boiled them for about 5 minutes before I boiled the plain white pasta for the rest of the fam. Served with lean ground beef browned and mixed with
Classico Tomato & Basil from the jar. Only complaint was from my husband that the sauce wasn't sweet enough. He's used to Ragu, which has added sugar. So next time, I may add some Splenda to the Classico).

4. Roasted fennel and asparagus. With nothing except olive oil, salt, pepper and a sprinkle of cheap parm after cooking. Fennel is soooo sweet after roasting.

5. Spiced pork loin. Nice cut of pork (but cheap) rubbed with some spices, browned in a bit of olive oil, and finished by roasting in the oven. Nice and tender, and then it diced up great to make pork "fried" basmati rice that included loads of veggies two nights later.

Honorable mentions:

Santa Fe Stew, which is just chili with lots of veggies and beans and taco-type spices. Some peole call it taco soup. I made this week's with lean ground turkey and served with 1T light sour cream and a sprinkle of lowfat colbyjack.

Gorgonzola salad, which was nothing but dark leavy greens from one of those boxes of lettuce in the produce section (marked down), with crumbled gorgonzola, pecan chips, and balsamic vinaigrette. Some diced apple would have been good in here, but I only had bananas this week.

Lime water, which is water with a squeeze and floating slice of lime. Boring, I know. But this helped me drink much more water this week. I had one diet coke with lime each day - just one. And on one day I had a diet root beer. But other than that and coffee, I did really well with water this week.

Cauli scramble, which was leftover smashed cauliflower, browned up and tossed with chicken sausage and then scrambled with 2 eggs and topped with small sprinkle of lowfat cheese. This made a huge, filling breakfast.

The only food I ate this week that wasn't from my kitchen was a bowl of skinny tortilla soup (no chips or cheese) from a restaurant called Taco Bueno. It's no wonder the scale is moving.

Surprise, surprise. Or no surprise.

2010-10-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

It's not really a surprise. Eating right works.

Yesterday, I was a bit surprised at having lost 4.5 pounds so far this week. I figured I'd put a pound back on today since yesterday's lunch had soy sauce. I was prepared for it, and I knew I hadn't eaten anything unhealthy yesterday, so a gain would just be water retention.

And today, I'm down 6 pounds for the week. SIX. This is sort of a suprise, but shouldn't be. I was eating badly before. In the past couple of weeks, there had been Oreos and donuts and one particularly memorable drive through of fried greasiness. In fact, last night as I drove to KFC to get cheap food for my family (I had a cheap salad and cheap tuna myself), I passed by the Long John Silvers-A&W combo where I had acquired the fried clams, cheese, fish, and fries and thought how recently it was that I had been there. And why? I suppose I was in a zone of "I don't care." And I felt so much better last night.

I can't say that I won't ever be tempted by the clams and the cheese curds, but the fish and fries I could take or leave. But I won't be tempted soon, or often. It's not worth it. And I'm getting off topic.

It was that kind of eating, plus that thing that hormones do once a month, that probably gave me a higher-than-it-should-have-been weight on Sunday. And the healthy eating quickly turned it around. I'm taking this first week as a gift and will be working hard at 2 pounds per week. If I can nail that, I'll have a new low by year-end.

That's worth it.

Resistance muscle

2010-10-13T06:10:00.001-07:00

People often speak (on the South Beach Message Boards that I frequent) about exercising the resistance muscle. Another way of saying willpower, I guess.

I am exercising that some this week, but I have to say it hasn't been a really hard work-out. What I mean is that the stuff I've been resisting hasn't been super-hard to resist. The most unhealthy stuff in the house right now is the over-sugared cereal and the Oreos. The cereal isn't a problem because I've never been a fan of really sweet cereal except for the occasional Captain Crunch. Peanut Butter or Crunchberries. I used to love that stuff. But even sitting here now, that does not sound good.

I think there are several things going on here, nearly all of them mental. I think I get into a losing zone, where I'm losing weight and it doesn't matter how good something would taste, it's just not worth it. Then there is the mental aspect of control over food, rather than letting food control me. There is also the knowlege (so mental again) that the unhealthy food is, well, unhealthy. It goes back to the main reason for doing this - for my health. Sure, I want to look good, too. And I will probably feel the most benefit from the looking-good. But I want to be healthy more. So if that is my goal, why would I ever eat something unhealthy? Especially something processed from a box. Trust me...if I'm going to eat something unhealthy, it's going to be one of three things: homemade, cheesecake, or ice cream.

But even those things don't have an appeal right now. Back to the "it's not worth it." But also because I don't have access to them. It's much easier to resist things that aren't here. The oreos are easy to resist. If there was a pan of homemade brownies in the kitchen? Not so easy to resist. Still unhealthy, still probably not worth it. But much harder to resist.

So I don't make the brownies and the other stuff. I see my husband with the holiday-food-binge glaze-over in his eyes and know that I'm going to have to talk him down from it being an all-food, all the time situation for the next two months. He's already asked for us to make a pumpkin/cream cheese roll, which we usually do for Thanksgiving and then maybe again at Christmas, but two of those are really plenty - we don't need one yet. And there will be a rum cake as well...maybe two.

Well now. I started this post to be about how great my willpower has been, but perhaps it's just that I've done a good job planning my environment. The next 2 months will be interesting! But there will be a lot of "it's not worth it," I feel. Right now, that's how I feel. My goal this week was to lose 2 pounds, and I've lost 4.5 already. I don't want to eat anything right now that isn't healthy, and the healthy things in moderation.

It's funny...it's been a really long time since I was losing consistently, week to week. I sort of forgot what that feels like. It feels good. And as a person weighing close to 350 pounds, I always figured that if I got back on track, I should be able to put up numbers that were about 30% of what those Biggest Loser people do (figuring I work out much less). This week shows that, so far. I don't officially weigh until Sunday. Who knows what it will bring?

And I'm rambling. Which is my cue.

Cheers!

Scale Chuckle, and Realization

2010-10-12T05:15:00.000-07:00

So I hop on my scale (which I'm trying to make a daily habit...4 days in a row now), which is one of those old-fashioned doctor's scales with the big 50-pound weights and the little slider that moves across the top. The scale goes to 400 pounds. So when I was just a tad over 350 last week, I had the 50-pound weight on 350 (not happy about that, naturally).

But since I got back to below that number, albeit slightly, I have to put the big weight on 300, and then slide the little weight all the way down to the 40s. So this morning, I put the little weight in the high 40s (where my weight should fall) and set the big weight, and heard a huge "clunk" - which is the sound of there being too much weight...the sound of a big loss. I thought maybe I had a huge water weight drop? But it was a REALLY big clunk.

I then realized that I had the big weight on 350. So of course it was a big clunk. I don't weigh in the 390s (anymore). I chuckled, and then realized that I used to. That huge clunk was a sign of what I used to carry around, plus some. Which I need to remember whenever I get down about gaining a bit back. I still have lost plenty.

And when I moved the 50 pound weight to the right place, there was still a loss. Smile. 348.25.

Not eating crap

2010-10-11T16:19:00.001-07:00

There is crap in my house right now, but I'm not eating it. The crap is here because I have a husband who might as well be 12 and a daughter who is 12 and am unable to say "no." To either of them.

So we have Halloween Oreos, three kinds of Halloween Cereal, and Twinkies. I can't stand Twinkies. Right now, the thought of the Oreos is making me a little ill - I mean...what's in those things? However...I do like them. But I haven't had one since Friday, I think it was. I can also skip the cereal. Too darn sweet. Might as well have dessert.

I think I let this stuff come into the house because I don't want to make a big deal out of it for my daughter. My mom was anti-soda, anti-candy, anti-sweets (usually, except when she wasn't) and I was always trying to lose weight. I can't help but think that part of it was that I wasn't allowed. You know...if you want a kid to want something, tell them they can't have it.

So we have never said no to our daughter. We also didn't stock the house with only chips and sweets. Given the choice between a plate full of cucumbers and tomatoes and cauliflower and broccoli, with a couple of tablespoons of ranch for dipping, and a bag of chips, she will choose the veggies every time. I don't know where she learned that, but I don't question it. I just keep vegetables in the house. They balance out the cereal and Twinkies.

We don't always have THIS LEVEL of crap around either. These are once-per-year things. They aren't bothering me. I found myself hungry today, and the crap just was not an option. I'd rather go hungry right now than eat the crap. I don't know if that's because I am on my 3rd day of eating nothing but good stuff, or if I'm just being possessed currently by the uber-willpower. Whatever, I like this feeling and want it to continue.

Now the scale, she didn't move today. Not that I expected it so. Sometime by Sunday, it'll move. I need to do better with exercise, though. Work was a killer today - no free time other than my Sonic run. And I needed that one diet soda today...more than usual.

So tonight is full of TV and cooking. I plan to get some movement in, even if it's just dancing around the kitchen, dammit. But regardless, I'm not eating crap. :)

The week ahead

2010-10-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

I'm torn with how to approach the week ahead.

My mom is coming for a visit Friday (maybe Saturday). If she comes Friday, I'll be taking Friday off. Even with the day off, there is massive housecleaning/re-ordering to do, if only so she has a place to sleep.

Also this week, we are finally diving into our homeschool curriculum with both feet, starting Monday. I'm nervous about that, as is my daughter. The next few weeks are likely to be tough, but we have not choice except to keep going. Once we get a few weeks under our belt, we should be fine. Okay...we may not be fine until January, but we will just keep going.

Also this week, I have a huge amount of work to do before the week even begins (allnighter? not sure I can), and we have a live training Thursday that I'm not going to be at live, but I've somehow become responsible for making sure the speakers have everything ready and just a click away. On one hand, it might be easier if I was there live. On the other hand, I'm so glad I'm not going to be there live (in Baltimore) because the travel stress would have put me over the top.

This kind of week often leads to poor eating and no exercise. I can probably keep tabs on the eating, truly. I may grab take-out one night, and I'll be keeping things simple. But I don't plan to eat poorly (maybe the family will, but not me).

It's the exercise that's bugging me. Most of me knows that there's no chance. So I should just take a walk when I can and get back to the pool after my mom gets here (once Saturday rolls around, things will calm down). A part of me feels like I'm a quitter by doing that. There are 5 perfectly good days this week...why can't I plan to exercise on those days? The exercise I really want to do is to go to the pool, which means early morning or evening. And evening is currently out, with schooling. So, early morning. Which is what I REALLY want to be able to do. I want to be able to get up, out, into the pool at the Y for a good interval workout for about 35 minutes, and be on my way for the day. Trouble is, I haven't been able to do that yet on a normal week. I feel like I'm just setting myself up for failure if I make a plan to work out in the morning.

So I suppose I'm going to make a flexible plan. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. The week will be a success if I lose 2 pounds. And even if I lose less, as long as it's heading downward, I'll be happy.

So, for this week...here are my goals

Today's weight is 349.5. Goal for next Sunday is 347.5.

Every day: not more than one diet soda; eating on plan.

Exercise goals:

Sunday (today): evening neighborhood walk and step sequence
Monday: short morning walk/step to wake up for the big day, maybe evening walk too
Tuesday: morning pool or walk, maybe evening walk too
Wednesday: morning pool or walk, maybe evening walk too
Thursday: morning pool or walk, maybe evening walk too
Friday: morning pool or walk, maybe evening walk too
Saturday: Y pool class, maybe walk later

If I get something in for 5/7 days, I'll consider that a great success.

I have my work cut out for me, but I can do this. Heck, I lost .75 in one day. 2 pounds in a week should be easy.

Mortified?

2010-10-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

Actually, I'm wondering why I'm not feeling more mortified right now. Why I didn't burst into tears then and there. I can come up with lots of reasons.

Here is the scoop. I ran errands this morning, returning some clothes I don't need (because my trip to see my dad got cancelled) in exchange for the cash that I really need. And getting electrical cords for the front lawn Halloween display, which I'm proud we have almost completed and it's not yet the 10th. And I needed a bathroom break. McDonalds is good for that, plus, I needed a game board for Monopoly. So I stopped.

Now, what is someone who is losing weight doing playing McDonald's Monopoly? Glad you asked. I'm not eating the food! Now the rest of my family is. They don't need it either, but they can tolerate it better than I. So I have game pieces to sort and wanted a game board. Turns out that there are game pieces on coffee cups, so I got a black coffee. Not a high-caloric frappe or something. Just coffee.

When I pulled in, I realized I was too far from the car on the passenger side of me, and while the space on the driver's side was currently open, if I stayed in the current position. I ran the risk of a tight squeeze when I tried to get back in, should someone pull into that parking spot. So I backed up and adjusted a bit. Not sure if it was enough, but it was probably fine.

Of course, it turns out it wasn't fine. As I walked back to my car I saw a white pickup parked next to it, and it looked awfully close. The guys had just pulled in, and someone got out of each side. Average-size guys, and the one next to my driver's door didn't appear to have a hard time. So I thought it would just be a big suck-it-in/squeeze-it-through moment for me.

They go in, and I make my attempt. No dice. Not even close. I know they were walking in, so they didn't see. But I worry about the people eating inside who might have. My only choice is to wait, so I walk back in to drink my coffee. I hope they are not eating in. But really, if they were getting it to-go, they'd have used the drive-through. Still, I wait and hope. Sure enough, they leave the counter with trays instead of bags, and I'm stuck.

I decide that I should try getting in the passenger seat and crawling over. It's a mini-van. I can probably do it. So I go to try. Just before I make that attempt, the (very nice) driver comes out and asks if he can move his truck, apologizing for parking so close. He really was nearly on the line, now that I look. And I say "thanks."

I pulled away without breaking into tears. Maybe because I know that I'm dealing with the problem. Because I had already stepped on the scale and bypassed several unhealthy food options this morning. Proof that I am dealing with it and am not just paying it lipservice, like I've been doing for a year or more now.

I'm tearing up as I write this, though I didn't then. I'm not so much mortified as I am sad, disappointed, resigned, determined. I suppose those are good things. I remember crying in the past about my weight to such an extent that there were sobs. I don't feel that right now. I think that's a good sign. It's like when someone is angry - if they are screaming-angry that is often better than if they are quiet-angry, because quiet-angry is worse. I'm going to work today on making this quiet-anger work for me.

Un-blogging

2010-10-08T13:36:00.000-07:00

As a tribute to un-schooling, which I've been known to take part in...

I realized that I want to just not blog for a while, quietly lose some pounds and get back regularly to the pool, and then post a big "Ta-Da" here that I'm back to a new low. Kind of like how you don't really want to tell your friends that you've started a new diet, you just want to keep it quiet until they notice.

I suppose I'm feeling that way because if I post about recommitting, it won't be the first time. But before I could delve too deeply into that, I came across a questionnaire that has been answered by several other bloggers that I follow. And I figure it couldn't hurt to think through these questions myself.

1. What was your highest weight, what do you weigh right now and what is your goal weight?

My highest weight that I know of was 423, at a doctor's office. I didn't truly start working on the losing until a good 2 months later, so who knows how high it really was. My scale at home goes only to 400. I am currently about 350. Haven't stepped on the scale for a bit. I've been frustrated with the fact that I'm *only* about 75 pounds down, when I used to be about 100 pounds down. My eventual goal weight is 141. That seems so very far off, as you can imagine.

2. What is your #1 motivation for losing weight?

My daughter. There are several sub-reasons within that - I don't want her to repeat my pattern. I don't want her to ever be faced with needing to lose a large amount of weight. I don't want her to be embarrassed by me. I don't want my physical limitations to limit her in any way.

3. Have you always been overweight?

My mom says I started being overweight when after I had my tonsils out when I was 6. Before that, I was apparently sick all the time. I was always heavy, but not "obese." Not the largest kid in school. I weighed between 135-150 in high school, and was overweight. Oh, to weigh that now.

4. When you want to give up what inspires you to keep going?

This is hard, because lately I feel like I have given up, and I'm trying to turn things around. Other bloggers inspire me to keep going. It's funny (and maybe a little sad) that there are three bloggers that were always hugely motivating for me - they were trucking along with the losses and I was inspired. And all three of them have now gained back some weight (two quite a bit), so they are doing the same thing I'm doing - trying to get the mojo back. The trouble is that they were at or near their goals when this happened to them. Me, not so much. There are other bloggers not in this boat who inspire me. And the guys in the boat with me inspire me, too, as we all work to turn this barge around.

5. What is the #1 thing you look forward to when you hit your goal weight?

Gosh, one thing? I don't know that I can pick just one. And many of the things that I pick will be things that I'll be able to have before I reach the final goal. So in no particular order, I'm looking forward to all the things noted above about my daughter, wearing jeans, boots that fit around my calves, better sex, fitting into everything from turnstyles to plane/theatre seates to a little black dress, and all the people who won't recognize me. Ah, there is it...I just had to mull it around a bit. That's the #1 thing. I look forward to going to my 30 year high school reunion in 2014 and looking better than anyone there. Especially when they voted me "most changed" at the 10-year reunion (after I had gained quite a bit of weight). Yea, that'll work.

6. Do you have support on your weight loss journey?

Usually. My husband gets into a junk food mode now and then, and I can go along or not. If I ask for support, I'll get it. Also lots from my mom.

7. What is your favorite exercise?

Water aerobics. Combination of shallow and deep, preferably, with intervals. I suspect this will change as I'm able to do more land-based exercise. I expect to love Zumba.

8. What is the most important thing you have learned on your weight loss journey?

It's all about choices.

9. What is one thing you have given up that you miss the most?

I haven't given anything up. I rarely eat white bread and bowls of pasta, so I suppose I miss pasta and garlic bread. But if I really want that, I can choose to have it and it's no big deal. So there's no way to answer this question, which makes me happy!

10. What is your strategy for losing weight?

Eat healthfully, as un-processed as possible, and exercise. Yes, I'm following the principles of the South Beach Diet, but that's largely irrelevant - it's all about eating well and exercising. Healthy choices.

Verdict?

As I suspected, this exercise was motivating. Especially that high school reunion thing. I have a bit less than four years to lose these last 200 pounds. Let's go.

I'm ready for my close-up

2010-09-24T19:40:00.000-07:00

I think I need to find the camera, some make-up, a note card, a Sharipe, and a hairbrush. I think it's time to email my photo to Jack.

Why I do this here?

For my daughter - so that she does not follow in my footsteps and so that she is never embarrassed by an overweight mom (at least not any more than she already has been).

For me - so that if there is something that I can't do, it's never because of my size.

For my husband - so that we have more years together; quality years.

For my parents - so they won't worry about me. Or at least they won't worry about my health.

My problem: That doesn't fit easily on an index card.

Imagine That

2010-09-24T07:15:00.000-07:00

It works. Eating well and getting in some exercise works. I've seen a 4-pound drop this week. I had gone back up a pound since the beginning-of-the month weigh-in, so the total for the month is *only* 3.5 pounds but I will take it. It's in the right direction. And it's not like I have done in past months - avoiding the scale for "fear of disappointment" and ASSUMING I was going in the right direction.

And if I had exercised more, daily, I would be even farther along. I'm not going to get caught up in the would've/could've/should'ves but it will make me a bit more motivated to find the 30 minute walk at lunchtime, instead of the 30 minute net surfing session.

I stared down 2 candy bars in the grocery-store checkout lane last night. It felt good. They offered me nothing except something that would taste good for a very brief period of time, and I was able to see that before putting them on the belt. Instead, I grabbed some pina colada sugar free gum, which also tasted good for a brief period of time. It didn't taste like chocolate though...but it did the trick.

What helped was to imagine what I would do if I was standing there weighing 150 pounds. Would I buy the candy? Or would I want to maintain that healthy weight and skip it? I decided that I would skip it. I might indulge in something truly yummy from time to time, but it wasn't going to be a grocery store candy bar.

The holidays approach. There will be plenty of truly yummy things there that are worthy of indulgence. I just have to walk that mine field carefully!

Tube Time

2010-09-23T07:08:00.000-07:00

It's funny - and not in a good way - that after working on prioritizing and time management a bit more over the past week, and after seeing some success, that I would spend a significant amount of time watching television this week. I would say I have "wasted" a great amount of time over the course of my life watching TV. At some point (last year), I started ditching it and spending 2 hours most evenings commuting to the Y and attending a water aerobics class. This resulted in very late dinners and what I felt was lots of time missed with my family. When I stopped the Y in the evenings, we were able to spend more time together unwinding after work, cooking dinner, etc. And since my daughter is homeschooled, there are lots of school-things that get done in the evenings. It really became necessary - for my daughter's education - for me to get those 2 hours back. And so I did.

But I NEED exercise. I've tried to do it in the morning, without success. I will keep trying. I can squeeze in a walk at lunch. But truth be told, I also like the evening classes as a stress releiver after a long day. I've learned that I don't need a formal pool class to get a good workout. But I need the time to get there. I'm working on that.

This week, fall TV shows started. I know that there is no silly TV show that is more important than my health. But there are still some things I really want to see, and others that were new that I wanted to check out. So this week, I planned to watch a bunch of TV with the family in the evenings, and to squeeze in exercise at other times. I've missed two days since Saturday, so I'm 4 for 6. Tomorrow will be 5 days. Better than how much exercise I have been doing. But next week will surely be different, since I have more information on what's on the tube, after checking things out this week.

So, at the risk of this being a very long post, here is what I know:

How I met your Mom and Two and a Half Men came back decently. As did Chuck, and I liked both The Event and Hawaii 5-0- (Book'em Dano). And several of these shows are ones that we really enjoy as a family. And we do not yet have a DVR (Christmas present to ourselves). So Monday is a day that I have to work out during the day. I did NOT like Mike and Molly, though I had expected to. Just too many fat jokes and not good anything else.

The return of Glee (which I have only recently discovered and caught up on with DVD) was NOT great, and John Stamos joining the cast doesn't necessarily bode well. Raising Hope had moments, but nothing on Tuesday is that great. Tuesday may go back to being a pool evening. I can watch The Biggest Loser (if I can stand it) on tape-delay.

After last night, Wednesday is definitely a pool day. My daughter likes Hellcats because it stars the Disney girls she used to watch on other shows. But it's not good. I wasn't fond of The Defenders and could take or leave UnderCovers, although it wasn't bad.

Thursday is likely to be like Monday, for the simple fact that The Big Bang Theory is on. That and Chuck are probably my two favorite shows.

And after writing all this (Friday-Sunday are inconsequential), I realize just how silly it is to even care what's on TV. I got caught up in the week of season premiers (which continues next week) but what's the point? Or...I just need to get that DVR.

Quiet Progress

2010-09-20T10:06:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to work on prioritizing my time (as noted in my last brief post). Making some progress there, and then sometimes I revert to old habits.

Cases in point:

I had a full afternoon with a long-distance "play-date" for my daughter, but returned home with 2 hours left in which to visit the Y pool...and I went.

I was tired on Sunday, but I went again. While my family slept in, so it wasn't something that took time away from them.

Last night, I watched far too much TV without getting anything really accomplished. Sigh.

So tonight, there are lots of new TV shows that I want to check out. Most of them will stink and I won't watch them again. But tonight I'm not going to sit on my ass for those TV hours. I have a plan. That and a 30-minute walk will get me where I need to be today.

Cheers!

Time

2010-09-15T08:34:00.000-07:00

I was going to write a nice (long, as is my habit) discussion of how I feel like I never have enough time, but that I'm realizing that I in fact do...it's all about how I choose to spend that time.

And then I realized that one of the things I spend too much time doing is hanging out on the computer. Doesn't mean I won't be back, but I'm not going to spend time right now contributing to the problem, when there are better uses for that time.

It ain't easy

2010-09-08T06:44:00.000-07:00

I said to myself this morning, "Nutrition is hard." That was the condensed version of what I was thinking, which was that nutritiously, consistenly, is hard.

Case in point, I don't believe I ate a single vegetable yesterday. I have pretty well come to the conclusion that vegetables are the linch pin for weight loss, at least for me. I do best on the scale, and I FEEL best when I eat lots and lots of vegetables. So what was up with yesterday?

I can point to lots of things. I was having a really crappy day in several ways, and I wanted comfort food. Thinking back, some summer squash with parm would have worked, but I also did NOT want to cook. Not a vegetable, not an egg, not anything. I had lots of cheese and crackers yesterday, and leftover pasta and rice. I did break down and make a salad for my family (what, a salad for them but not for me?). I just don't understand a lot of my thought process yesterday, but all I can do is move forward. I don't think I overate too badly, calorie-wise. But it wasn't anywhere close to a healthy balance.

Hermine has decided that I don't need to go to the pool, at least not until Thursday. I really hope she is gone by Thursday.

New Low (well, not really)

2010-09-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

I go back and forth about weighing. I avoided the scale for months because I didn't want to know. And then I decided to weigh monthly, so I was avoiding it for a month even though I DID want to know. Back in the day when I lost 100 pounds...(good times)...I weighed weekly, every week on Sundays.

And the past few days I've been jumping on there every morning. I don't know if that will continue, and I know that the number will bounce around, up and down. In fact, from the first check on Friday, I went down a little (Saturday), up a little (Sunday) - but not all the way back up to Friday's weight, and down a little again (today) - down below Saturday's number. The net result in 3 days is a loss of almost 2 pounds. Which makes me quite happy, even though it's still far above where I was earlier this year.

I think the daily thing will continue...it allows me to keep tabs on it. And next week I'm going to find a way to get back to the pool.

The 100-pound haircut

2010-09-04T09:16:00.000-07:00

Back when I lost 100 pounds the FIRST time...I promised myself that I would reward myself with a new haircut when I hit the milestone. I had done that when I hit 50 pounds. I'll confess that haircuts for me are rare. I'm not one for every 8 weeks even - I've never found it necessary with the way my hair is - straight and shoulder length vs. straight and 4 inches longer doesn't really matter much - at least not enough to shell out the cost of a haircut when they are so pricey.

Honestly, though...if money were not an issue, I would get my hair cut more often. But the money thing is there, so it's rare, so it was a good incentive. I loved my 50-pound haircut.

Trouble is...I had to cave in and get the 100-pound haircut before I reached the milestone. I had to get a PR photo taken for work, so there was a new reason that it HAD to be done. I kept putting it off...trying to get to 323 before getting the cut. But the boss needed the photo, and I finally caved.

It was probably karma, that I didn't like this haircut as much as the last one. Same stylist, but at this visit, I had lost nearly 100 pounds. And I made the mistake of telling her that. I had to endure a lecture from her sister's personal experience with the South Beach Diet and about how horrible it was. Hello? Sitting here having success. And in control of your tip.

I don't think her opinion had an impact on my haircut. But it certainly made me want to go somewhere else for the next one. And of course, there hasn't been a next one. Yes, it's been over a year.

So here I am again shooting for a 100-pound haircut. It's on my mind because yesterday there was a groupon offer for a salon where it would be half price. What seems to be a really good place. The kind of place where I would never pay full price!

And I decided this morning that if the offer was still available, and if the location was close to the Y, I would do it and have it as my incentive. And it was, it was, so I did. In fact, I bought 3 groupons, so I should be able to get 3 haircuts over the next year at a really good price. This is the first groupon I've bought, though some of the others have interested me. My mom has bought a few...if you are in a big city, you should check it out.

And it doesn't have to be a haircut...nails, spa services, etc. I don't think I'll be giving myself a massage as a reward until I'm much smaller, but there are options. Built in rewards for reaching 100 lost, 125 lost, and 150 lost. Sweet!

Thanks for the comments. I looked back and saw that I've gained less than 10 pounds this year, and about that much since I started the blog. So it's not all horrible. And I feel even better about the horse now since I have something I'm riding toward. It's true that having the details in place help. I now have the "prize" paid for and I know where it will be. Before, it was always kind of iffy.

Damn Horse

2010-09-03T18:55:00.000-07:00

I probably should go back and read the last message I posted here, to my little blog. I'll do that after.

I have been absent. I have been absent before, and then I announce with a flourish, or perhaps a whisper, that "I'm back." And then I go away again. I'm not sure why this horse seems so darn hard to get back onto. That sentence had very poor grammar...but I'll let it go.

Each time I try again, I think this is IT. THIS is like it was before. THIS time will be THE time.

I've seen how well that turned out.

Each time has a different nuance...a different something spurring me on, bringing me back. But none of those things has done the trick.

So, I saddle up again. I've been riding the horse this week pretty well. Particularly well the past few days. As with the other times, there is a reason that I've circled back here. Of course, the main reason is to be healthy and all that. But if it was just as simple as wanting to be healthy, I'd be there by now. I'm speaking of the THING that reminds me that I want to be healthy...that pulls me back to work on finishing what I started. It's a pretty big thing, worthy of a week's worth of posts. Maybe I'll talk about it sometime. Maybe not.

But regardless, all I can do is put one foot in front of the other. I want to read the blogs again, about people who are succeeding, and those like me who are struggling. I didn't have a blog during the time I was really kicking butt. Wish I had. Then I'd have stuff to read.

I'll have to go back and check what I weighed when I started this blog. I know I reached the magic 100-pounds lost number after I started. And in the past 14 months since then, I've managed to gain about 27 pounds. Probably 30, but 27 was the number on today's scale. 349.5...up from the one-time low of 322.5. I'm not here to beat myself up about that. It sucks that I will need to spend most of the rest of this year losing weight I already lost, but it is what it is.

One foot in front of the other.

I hadn't checked the blog for a while, so for those of you who commented, thank you. I'm not back because I want to entertain or motivate or even be of interest to others, but if I can, then all the better.

I don't know that I'll post every day like I used to try to do. But I will when I have time.

Should have known

2010-07-12T05:51:00.000-07:00

I'm still processing the scale surprise from yesterday, where I weighed close to 20 pounds more than I thought I might. Twenty! Of course, on a very large human, 20 pounds is easy to miss, coming or going. But I should have seen some signs.

Even though I had some pants that were very loose, and some clothes that fit (on my bottom half) that had been tight earlier this year, there were other things. The dress I mentioned yesterday - if I was losing so much, why was it still tight in the shoulders? Why did I have to buy THIS size bra when I went shopping a couple of weeks ago? Surely they were mis-sized, right? And a larger sign - why, if I was getting close to having lost 100 pounds (again), when I had started to feel much better physically...why are my knees giving me such trouble?

The knees should have been the sign, although I just attributed that to getting older. In reality, they are dealing with about 80 extra pounds of pressure from those 20 extra pounds.

My processing of this resulted in a slight problem food-wise. It wasn't so much a "what the hell, might as well eat what I want" response...but it was a bit lax. I had a piece of pie, for example. But I also had chicken and vegetables for dinner. I didn't eat enough healthy food, and had too much unhealthy. But I'm not sure if that's because of the scale or because it was Sunday. Probably some of both.

______________________

So I joined a challenge to drink plain water - 64 ounces of it - every day for 3 weeks. I need to get the link for it. And the first thing I did today (after cleaning up a broken jar of salsa in the kitchen, and then stepping on the scale) was to grab a 24-oz bottle of water. It's not filled to the top,but close. So I figure if I get three of those a day, I've met my goal. I read (somewhere) that starting off the day with a big glass of water is a good idea, even before diving into the coffee. I will say that the first few sips made me long for coffee. But bottle #1 is almost gone, and it got better.

So there's a new goal for the week. Here are the others:

Food: 5 100% days; 2 90% days
Water: 64 oz of pure water (no crystal light) daily
Pool: 4 days
Walk: 3 days

Last week went okay - 5/7 on food, 5/4 on pool, and 1/3 on walking. Implied goal is to do better this week, which is a challenge, because it's a much busier week.

Caving

2010-07-11T05:11:00.000-07:00

Moving the scale into the kitchen made it harder to resist. It was much easier to not step on it when it was behind closed doors. That likely explains why I didn't step on it since end of March.

I got myself basically back on track in June, but perhaps not as good as I thought I did. That means that most of the weight I gained was put on in April and May. I didn't think I GAINED weight in June, even with the transgressions over my daughter's birthday weekend. In any event, I would suspect that my last week of really good behavior might have un-done the week before. But perhaps not.

I am, essentially, stunned by the amount of weight I must have gained in April and May. On 3/28, the scale said 335. Today (7/11), it said 346.5. I truly expected a number under 340. I truly thought that a number in the 320s was realistic. I would have taken anything in the 330s as well. But the bottom line is that I truly thought I was closing in on my 100-lost mark again. And the reality is that I've lost 76.5 pounds. I'm about 20 pounds over where I thought I was.

This means I gained more than 10 pounds in 2 months. I suppose my goal of losing about 5 a month correlates with how much I'm clearly able to gain in a month. Sigh.

I psyched myself up before I got on the scale. I told myself that no matter what it said...even if it was over 350 (egad!), I would just keep plugging away. What happened in April and May, truly, is that I went back to eating the way I did when I ate myself up to over 400 pounds. So the totally unexpected result won't change what I do today. It may actually give me some motivation to do more.

I should have known, I suppose. Even clothing can give you mixed messages. I have a denim dress that was starting to get tight across the shoulders, and I put it on Friday to see how loose it was. Hmmm, still tight across the shoulders. That should have been a sign. But then, I have a pair of pants that yesterday were literally about to fall off.

No matter. It is what it is. And at least now I know what it is. It's not what I wanted it to be. But it is what it is.

Progress on goals for the week:
Food: Follow my tweaked South Beach Phase 2 way of eating 4 days, with minor exceptions on 3 days (3/3 minor exception days done; 2/4 100% days done; 1 day was a total loss)
Pool: 4 days (5/4 DONE!)
Walk: 3 days (1/3 done)

What works

2010-07-10T06:03:00.000-07:00

There are two great blog posts that I read this week. I'm in a big hurry, so I'll just say that they are at Jack Sh*t Getting Fit, and Escape from Obesity. I'm going to be linking to both on my South Beach message board. Jack's was about food not making you happy. So true. And Lynn's was about how every little choice is part of the big picture of weight loss.

This week has been better than last, better than most weeks this year in fact. What has worked is focusing on those little choices. I set some goals for the week, and to meet them, I had to be making the healthy choice almost all of the time. For example, when I posted my food log last night and was excited to have had a 100% food day, I was reminded that I didn't exercise, and in order to meet my goals for the week (or get close), I needed to get in a walking workout. So at a very late hour (10:30-ish), I worked out. Similarly...when presented with food choices, I know that I have to take the healthy road, or I don't get to give myself the gold star for the day.

I don't have much else to ramble about today; working early and then to the pool early, which means I've surpassed my goal of making it there 4 times this week. See what I mean about it being a better week?

Food: Follow my tweaked South Beach Phase 2 way of eating 4 days, with minor exceptions on 3 days (2/3 minor exception days done; 2/4 100% days done; 1 day was a total loss)
Pool: 4 days (4/4 DONE!)
Walk: 3 days (1/3 done)

The Gut Factor

2010-07-09T05:38:00.000-07:00

As a really-overweight person (yes, "morbidly obese" is the medical term, but that makes me sad, so I try to avoid it), there are things physically that I couldn't and still can't do. I can do much more as a 300 pounder than a 400 pounder, of course. I can do more since I added exercise (which I did after the first 6 months of healthy eating).

The first 5 months of this year saw me abandon any attempt at exercising, but for the occasional walking DVD. I can sort of pinpoint what caused this (a.k.a. "my excuse"). Since June, however, I have been mostly back to exercise. I had one week in June where I didn't hit the pool very much, so that week suffered. But otherwise June, and this first week of July, have been good on the exercise front.

Case in point...I've been to water aerobics 5 of the last 6 days, (6 of the last 8) and all of the last 4. The only two days I haven't been are days where there is no class offered. Yay, me! I love this form of exercise, and I still feel the same way about it as I did when I found it in 2008.

One of the things it does - any exercise probably does - is remind me that muscles are just THERE. As a really large human, I became quite the slug...the blob of flesh. And it's sad to say that I started to return there during the first part of this year when I wasn't exercising. I didn't gain the fat back that made me LOOK more blob-like...but without something beyond daily-chore use, muscles got lazy. They didn't hold me up as straightly, I think.

This comes to mind because this morning, standing at the fridge to grab milk for coffee, I realized that my abs were tight. Not hugely tight like when actually working them, but I was unconscously holding them in, as part of my normal posture. Of course...I'm talking about the underlying muscle here - there's no amount of "holding in" that could hide the current belly on top. But I could FEEL them. In my opinion, that is a huge benefit of exercise. I labelled it the gut factor, but I suppose it's really about core - keeping your core strong has all kinds of benefits, from better balance and posture, to just standing in the kitchen giving yourself a pat on the back.

Yesterday, I noticed that I had slightly sore triceps. Not they same kind of "wow" factor as the entire ab region, but it also let me know that I am WORKING.

Food: Follow my tweaked South Beach Phase 2 way of eating 4 days, with minor exceptions on 3 days (2/3 minor exception days done; 1/4 100% days done; 1 day was a total loss)
Pool: 4 days (4/4 DONE!)
Walk: 3 days (0/3 done)

Outsmarting the Scale Siren

2010-07-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

I've made a deal with myself to not step on the scale until August 1st. But I want to know!!!

But I only want to know if it's good news. If it's not good, I don't want to know. So by waiting until August 1st, it's bound to be good.

But what if it is good now? Wouldn't it be great to know now? Think how much of a spring I'd have in my step to know I've gotten back to 100 pounds lost! Think how motivating that would be!

This is what the scale says to me. The way I outsmart the scale is to get up and get dressed. That's step number one. Step number two is to drink something, and then eat something. Why does this work? Because I only weigh "naked and empty" in the morning. So if I can get to the point where I am clothed and not empty, then it's not likely that I'll jump on the scale (which might ruin my day).

Why I feel compelled to get on the scale following the day I had yesterday is beyond me. Maybe I want some assurance that yesterday wasn't so bad. Or maybe I want to make myself feel bad by seeing the big number on the scale.

Regardless, I've had breakfast and I'm dressed. So I win the battle for today.

Wheels off

2010-07-07T20:00:00.001-07:00

It troubles me how I can seem so motivated. So on track. And then I have a day like today. It wasn't horrid, but it wasn't healthy. In the past, it would have been a whole lot less healthy. Rationalizing, there...naturally.

What was the genesis of this not-so-good day? Two things - stress and lack of being prepared. Or, you could say stress and being lazy. Because there is plenty of food in my fridge that I could have cooked or even grabbed quickly, rather than getting a McDonald's burrito. Granted...I got the small one. And in the past I would have ordered 2. Heck, in the past, I would have got the entire meal, with the hashbrowns too. Bright side.

Other things that happened - I ate loads of Triscuits. Why? I was hungry, in a meeting on the phone, and the box of Triscuits was on my desk. If it had been in the kitchen, it wouldn't have been an issue. If I'd gotten up and had some breakfast, it wouldn't have been an issue. But I jumped into this meeting this morning with the owner of the company, very mucho big wig, in an anxious state and the last thing I considered doing was eating breakfast.

In addition to big boss man meeting, I had two one-on-one training sessions today, and an event to drive my daughter to. So I was stressed about getting her ready, lunch packed, out the door, there on time, and then back for my first session. Swung through McD's because they have(relatively) cheap sodas, and so I could grab breakfast for DH and not have to worry about him puttering in the kitchen looking for something to eay...and there was that burrito (along with my own diet soda). On any other day, I would have ordered his meal and gone home to grab some lean ham slices, cheese, and the asparagus that was leftover from last night and waiting for me in the fridge. But not today. [Yes, I know I should worry less about DD and DH and they can take care of themselves more than I let them. Working on that - that's a whole separate issue!]

And more...I didn't eat the asparagus for lunch either. I grabbed a slice of bread and a chunk of cheese and called that lunch. Well done! I felt pressed for time. In reality, it would have taken all of a couple of minutes to grab romaine leaves, lean meat and cheese, and that waiting asparagus. But not today.

I didn't skimp on exercise though. I went to the pool for my deep water class, which was quite good. The only trouble was that at the very end, I got some odd tightness in muscles that I had never experienced before. Class was over...we were stretching...so I took some extra time to stretch and then felt better. I'm relatively certain that this was the result of how poorly I had eaten today - not enough good fuel, I don't think. Not something I want to experience again.

So, onto dinner. Asparagus! Yes, I ate it. And some slices of lean roast beef that I picked up at the store. I made sandwiches with leftover preapred salads that I had bought to go along with 4th of July grilling (macaroni salad and potato salad - not beach legal) for DD/DH, and I realized just how hungry I must have been when I caught myself taking bites of each salad while dishing them up. I didn't eat any of them on the 4th, and likely would have ignored them on any other day. But not today.

I can point to the reason being "this stressful day." But I'm still the one who make the choices. I'm frustrated, but trying to work on a plan for days like this. It starts with "breathe" and reminding myself that eating my healthy meals and snacks is not just something I'm doing...it is what gets me through each day. Eating this way fuels all I need to do while at the same time letting me lose weight and feel good.

I can see how having one day like this might not cause someone at a healthy weight a huge problem, because they are likely to return things to normal once the stressors are gone. The good news is that I am very likely to do that too. I can see how letting days like this accumulate can happen easily, if I'm not mindful. I can see how not posting and owning up to what I ate today would make it EASIER for days like this to accumulate. I probably didn't need to write a book about it, but oh well.

I've been giving myself gold stars for days that are on plan plus exercise and silver for close to on plan plus exercise...because both of those scenarios result in weight loss. I don't get a star for today (gold or silver)...but if you read this much, you deserve one!

Food: Follow my tweaked South Beach Phase 2 way of eating 4 days, with minor exceptions on 3 days (2/3 minor exception days done; 0/4 100% days done)
Pool: 4 days (3/4 done)
Walk: 3 days (0/3 done)

Stellar Student

2010-07-06T05:40:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a holiday - a rare day off work where work was also closed, so there shouldn't be any "playing catch-up" today, reading all the emails that came in while I was gone, as happens if I had taken a vacation day. Of course, there are always those few loons who work over the weekend, or on the holiday, so there is a little catch-up to play...but thankfully not much.

This is good, because I always feel like I need a vacation day to recover from a vacation day. But with a holiday, I don't usually feel that way. Vacation days are usually taken because there is something major to do, so the entire day is accounted for and the next day, which would be great to have as a day to relax following the hectic-ness is back to work, no downtime. I suppose if I took a Friday off, that wouldn't be the case (note to self: take a Friday off soon). Even with Friday, though...it's often taken off so that we can have a 3-day weekend, so I end up in "go-go-go" mode from Friday through Sunday...and Monday feels like a day I need to rest.

Today, not so much, because yesterday was pretty relaxed. All the fireworks had been seen and food had been grilled, so there was no agenda. I think I even took a nap. I had a list of to-dos that did not get done, but that's a typical weekend. Last night, I didn't even cook dinner - we all fended for ourselves with takeout and/or leftovers (much to my husband's dismay, I fear).

Of course, I'm still tired today, and could always use some more sleep. I've decided this morning that Sundays will be no-alarm-clock days, and I'm going to give myself permission to sleep in as long as I want. I can catch the Sunday news shows (the purpose of my alarm for as long as I can remember) later in the day...the sleeping-in is now more valuable to me than watching the talking heads live, though I still enjoy that.

I slept in a bit yesterday, and feared I had missed my chance to exercise. Fortunately, one of the Ys that I don't frequent much anymore had a noon class, and I made it. And after, the instructor complemented me on my form. She had been worried I was a newbie (given my size, a valid concern), and was apparently impressed at how well I did, newbie or not. So yay, pats on the back for me. I don't think I've ever had much problem with doing most things well, I just have an issue of doing them well consistently.

I like my new goals, something I mooched from another blog, and when I recall which one, I'll give due credit. My minor exception for yesterday was planned - a piece of sausage that had more fat in it that I would typically have - but otherwise, I was 100%.

Food: Follow my tweaked South Beach Phase 2 way of eating 4 days, with minor exceptions on 3 days (1/3 minor exception days done; 0/4 100% days done)
Pool: 4 days (1/4 done)
Walk: 3 days (0/3 done)

Week in Review

2010-07-04T21:20:00.001-07:00

The past week had its moments (2 trips to the pool...better than the zero that had been the norm before June...and several days of good eating). I didn't set any formal goals for last week, but I figure I should set some for this week. Might help.

So, here are my goals for the next seven days - July 5th through 11th:

Food: Follow my tweaked South Beach Phase 2 way of eating 4 days, with minor exceptions on 3 days
Pool: 4 days
Walk: 3 days

I realize that "minor exceptions" is a pretty vague standard, but it's like when the Supreme Court defined pornography - they said something along the lines of that they couldn't give it a definition, but they knew it when they saw it. The minor exceptions I am planning for are one piece of sausage on Monday and 1-2 slices of homemade white bread (trying out a new breadmaker this week).

The icing on the cake

2010-07-02T07:50:00.000-07:00

I ate it, darnit.

Was completing a perfectly stellar day yesterday - all good food, with moderation where needed, plus exercise. And then I needed to cut my daughter a slice of her leftover birthday cake. I ended up with about 3T of icing, probably, and then one fork-full of cake for good measure.

Now...I can lose weight eating that little bit of cake/icing on one day out of the week...maybe even two days...maybe even every day. So I'm not really having a hard time with it - this is LIFE after all. And it's for living.

My birthday approaches rapidly, so there will be another celebratory sweet of some sort. Likely cheesecake. Perhaps from the factory. I am making a plan right now to split whatever piece of whatever that is obtained for my birthday with at least one other family member. Just to minimze. I would also prefer to have just the one slice...rather than an entire cake sitting in my fridge to nosh on for several days in a row. I will float that trial balloon with the family and see if they go along. They should, since it'll be MY birthday!

___________________

The scale taunts me. I don't want to step on it, because I don't want to be disappointed by what I see. The little voice in my head says it might not be that bad. It might, in fact, be better than you think. You NEED TO KNOW!

But yet, I'm not sure. I think about what I ate over my daughter's birthday weekend, much of which was healthy, but some of which was very UNhealthy. I can't expect to lose weight eating like that. So I have to assume that the end of June was not a scale success...which is what is keeping me off the scale.

I CAN lose weight eating like I did in most of June, and yesterday, and how I plan to eat in July. I know I'm lighter now than I was on June 1st, but I don't know where I was on June 1st, and "lighter" is good, but may still be too high of a number to make me feel anything but bummed-out. So I'm trying very hard to keep myself off the scale until August 1st.

I remember what it felt like when I reached the 100-pounds-lost mark (and, coincidentally, I found out yesterday that I reached that milestone on July 29, 2009, so I'd sure like to be back there by August 1, 2010). I remember how loose my rings were...how much of my jawbone I could feel. And I know I'm not there yet. When I feel those things, I may jump on the scale, even if it's before 8/1/10. I need to get back to that milestone and then move past it, unlike last year where I reached it, and then apparently took a victory lap for several months.

New Post

2010-07-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

On the plus side, I remembered my login information to access my little blog.

Also on the plus side, I had a pretty good June. I have been absent from blogging, but frankly, it's a bit low on the long list of priorities.

June in review:

Started out pretty well...eating very well for the first week, keeping that up and adding exercise the second week, both again the third week, though not quite as much exercise. The 4th week was a bit of a bust, but not too bad.

I am estimating my weight loss. I know that's not the way to do it, but it's fine, really. I know I had gained some this year, but didn't want to know how much, lest I be discouraged to start with. I wanted to focus on eating right and exercising. Which is truly all I can do. The scale may move like I expect, or it may not. Odds are, it will never move as fast as I want it to. All I can do is control what I eat and how much I exercise.

So I vowed not to step on the scale until July 1st. I'd give myself the entire month of June to get to work on re-losing pounds I've already lost. I really HATE doing that. But it is what it is, and it had to be done.

I came up with a system of rewarding myself with a gold star for each day where I ate 100% on plan or exercised, so there was the potential of getting 2 stars per day. The star system worked pretty well until I hit week 4. I had about 20 stars before I stopped counting, which was respectable. I have fine-tuned the star system for July...more on that later this week.

I know I lost weight in June. I don't know where I started and I don't know where I am, so I don't know how much I lost. And I don't really care too much, as long as it keeps going in the right direction. I know I have not gotten back to the point of having lost 100 pounds, but I think I'm close enough to make that point by the end of July. So I didn't step on the scale. If I'm wrong, I don't want to be disappointed.

The plan now is to check the scale on August 1st. And to make healthy food and exercise choices this month so that I earn as many gold stars as possible.

So I have been silent for a while, but I'm here. Haven't quit...in fact, I've recommitted, but this time I didn't announce that I was "back" with great fanfare. I just did it. And still am.

Why must I make it so difficult?

2010-04-19T12:04:00.001-07:00

Losing weight of any amount is not easy - if it was, everyone would be thin. So, this thing is difficult to start with.

And then I compound it by making it harder than it needs to be, and I'm not sure why. I could debate myself and self-analyze that perhaps I don't want it bad enough. The Dr. Phil-theory that I must be getting some benefit out of being so large (because otherwise, I'd change) looms out there. But that's analysis for future days.

What remains is that I can let myself go off-track for days (weeks) at a time, and that is counterproductive. I put myself back at this place where I don't want to face the scale, but I do want results. I don't know why I let this happen. I just know that I need to stop it from happening.

So, I'm stopping it. Again. I hate that I have to stop it again, but at least I'm doing it.

I do not want to look at the scale, because I had started to make some good progress again. I think to see that erased will deflate my returning resolve. So I've made myself a bargain. (I hate that I have to make bargains with myself. I feel like I'm making things more complicated than they are. Why can't I just eat better, exercise more, without bargains and tricks and tactics?)

The bargain is this. I don't want to step on the scale, but I do want progress. So, if I stick to my eating plan, I don't have to step on the scale until I'm darn good and ready. Right now, I'm looking at Memorial Day weekend, and then I'll go from there. So if I blow it and eat crap, then I have to face the music. But if I eat healthfully, then I'm going to be getting results, but I don't have to see what may be a disappointing number for a few weeks.

I have to say that my desire to NOT step on the scale right now is a pretty good motivator.

I hate to be trying to make something else work. I wish it wasn't so hard for me.

More Why on Wednesday

2010-04-07T07:07:00.000-07:00

Why is this time different?

I have a lot more "why I'm doing this" posts, in addition to the two I've already written that focus on my daughter. And I'll get back to those. I want to focus on why this time with losing weight is different.

The problem is...I'm not sure it is different. I know...that's wishy-washy thinking, and I need to be all positive - this time IS different because...

And about a year ago, I would have done that. I would have said that this time is different because I realized that I need to change my habits for health, and that weight loss will follow. That I need to make healthy choices for myself each day, which translates into making healthy choices for my family. I realized that if I want to be that healthy, fit person (not just that no-longer-obese person, which I want to be, too), my actions need to be those of a healthy, fit person. Wanting it is not enough.

And about a year ago, I would have pointed out that this time is different because it is working. The most I ever lost before was 67 pounds, and I've surpassed that. I have adopted a new, healthier way of eating as my norm. I have added exercise to a previously sedentary life. And because my life will now be full of healthy choices and activity - since this is not a journey with an "end" - this time is different.

The things above are all still true. However...sitting here having gained 4.5 pounds since my last weigh-in makes me feel less-than-positive. When someone loses 4.5 pounds, we ring the happy bells - that's like 18 sticks of butter! that's 18 pounds of pressure off of your knees!

But now...it's like 18 sticks of butter. 18 pounds of extra pressure back on my knees.

There is no free lunch. You can't eat anything and everything for a few days and expect a good result. However, it is way frustrating to eat well and exercise for one week and lose 1/2 pound, and then to eat poorly and exercise for one week and gain 9 times that much. The numbers don't make sense to me. But I suppose I can't control the numbers completely, as the body does strange things. All I can do is keep making the healthy choices and exercising.

And that is why this time is different. No quitting.

Monday, Monday

2010-04-05T07:27:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted since last Tuesday? Holy cow!

But that is typical...the run-up to a holiday weekend is always crazy-time for me, the procrastinator. There are always things to do, clean, wash, prepare.

This week marks a return to the pool for workouts. Not on Monday or Tuesday, though, unless I can make it happen Tuesday morning. But Thursday is a definite, as will be Saturday and Sunday. The other days will be walking and a bit of strength training, using an odd weight-contraption that my husband picked up at Target (As seen on TV!!!).

This week also brings the annual quest to avoid the Easter chocolate. Over the next hour or so, my plan is to segregate all of my daughter's candy in a container that will be placed out of (my) sight somewhere. Then, it won't be so tempting to grab something from the basket.

The good news is that this shouldn't be an issue again until November 1st, when the annual quest to avoid the Halloween chocolate occurs.

Tuesdays are always Terrific!

2010-03-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

Actually not...because Tuesdays are always busy, busy, busy. I hate Tuesdays. But if I call them "terrific," it sometimes helps.

Because truly, they aren't that bad. There are plenty of people in the world who are more stressed and busier and with more kids and more work and more issues than I. So...no griping.

Easter week means busy, because mom comes to visit. That means getting the house into a sense of order that it should really be already in on a day-to-day basis, but it's not. So there are things to clean and put away; sheets to wash; kitchen to clean up so that we can make good, healthy meals at home, without resorting to Golden Corral.

I don't have a menu yet, but it will be heavy on the asparagus. It's a diruetic, right?* Maybe that will counteract the extra starches from the weekend? I truly don't know where my head was this weekend...or even yesterday...when I went a bit overboard. However...unlike the 3 months of overboard triggered by the 2009 holiday season, this was perhaps 2 days, and it wasn't completely overboard. I believe I nipped it in the bud sufficiently to still see a loss next week (since I will weigh on Sunday, pre-salty ham).

It will be sooo nice to be (once again) out of the 330s. Still have plenty of work to do to get to 290-something. It's not something I can really think of, at least not yet. Not until I get out of the 30s, through the 20s, and into the teens. Then it will seem probable.

I do know that I WILL be getting back to the pool once Easter has passed. I haven't figured out how it will fit with the schedule, but at least on the weekend, I plan to be there. That will help the movement away from 300.

*I'm not really going to be od-ing on asparagus as a weight-loss tool. But I love it, and it's on sale this week. So I'm going to eat a lot of what I love.

Salt and Sugar

2010-03-28T21:43:00.000-07:00

Weigh-in - down 2 pounds from last Sunday; 1/2 pound from Tuesday, which was my last morning check, and 1/2 pound from Saturday night. These are the effects of salt and sugar, I suspect. Usually, I'm as much as 5 pounds lower in the morning, not 1/2 pound.

But there was lots of salt, and more carbs than normal Saturday, as noted. I think that had an impact on Sunday's number.

No bother...just keep swimming! The number will keep going down.

Squeaking by

2010-03-27T20:01:00.001-07:00

You know those tests you sometimes take where you didn't really study, and you thought you did really poorly, and somehow you eked out a B? Or even an A, by some stroke of luck?

That may be the way my weigh-in goes on Sunday.

Don't get me wrong...I ate very well this week. That is, until today. I don't know if what triggered it was going grocery shopping before having breakfast, but I was not able to resist (well, I was ABLE, but I didn't) the mini-ice creams. Yes, they were mini. But they were nonetheless the first off-plan food I've had in nearly 4 weeks.

And I didn't stop there. Now...I didn't inhale a slew of things. But the girl scout cookie-free week came to an end, courtesy of 3 thin mints. And there was one other chocolate cookie and some ice cream. Eek.

But then...I got on the scale for grins, in the evening. And it read the same as it did on Tuesday morning. Which likely means a loss tomorrow, even in spite of today.

Now...when I've gotten those surprise good test grades in the past, I've had a tendency to rest on my laurels. If I can pull an A or a B with so little effort, then why do more? And on the next test, it bites me in the ass.

I know the same is true for weight loss. So that means I'll need to step things up a bit next week to make up for the lapse of today. I guess that makes it a good time to up the exercise.

Hanging in there

2010-03-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

I've been posting nearly every day since the big recommit, but didn't get it done yesterday. I DID post my food intake - I've been religious about that one and don't plan to miss. Otherwise, yesterday was just too darn busy, and I was blank for a topic.

I had three online training sessions, virtually back-to-back on Thursday. It was brutal, as they say. Especially when the audio on the third one didn't function, and it ended up staring 30 minutes late.

Today, on the other hand, I had NO trainings because I took the day OFF. OFF! It's been quite a while since I took a day off. I think I need a WEEK off - a real vacation. But the day was nice. No worries about sleeping until 9. No worries about getting back to my desk while running a morning errand. And then several hours at the art museum with my daughter - field trip!

I'm eating well but not exercising, so I don't know what to expect weigh-in wise this week. Shouldn't be too bad. My exercise this weekend and next will mostly be getting the house in order for my mom's Easter visit. After she departs, I will be getting back to the Y pool.

Happy weekend!

Why my daughter is my motivation, Part II

2010-03-24T05:58:00.001-07:00

Part one was last Wednesday. I wrote about being a good example for my daughter and having my actions reflect the things that I wanted her to value (which meant I needed to start valuing them, too). I needed her to see what I cared about...so she could learn by osmosis that healthy foods and physical activity were important choices to make. Not restrictions; choices.

My husband and I stumbled into a decision when our daughter was small. We decided not to be the sugar police. Candy wouldn't be taboo. Nor would it be one of our main sources of nutrition. His theory was that when something is forbidden, you just want it more. I vividly recall a birthday party - one of my daughter's first - and the first time she had seen a pinata. She was told there was candy inside. And she didn't understand the big deal. When the pinata broke, the other kids scrambled to grab as much as they could, and my daughter thought it was so odd...she figured that if she wanted some candy later, she could have it...why crawl around on the ground? And that candy wasn't that great anyway. We were shocked, but it made sense. And now, her behavior is similar. She likes candy. And soda. And ice cream. And grilled sirloin/chicken breast/pork loin...and vegetables.

But that's a recap of last week, I suppose - I needed to have healthy habits to pass on to my daughter, and at 400+ pounds, I wasn't doing that. When that light bulb went on, I started this change.

There were other bad examples I was setting for her too, that also contributed to my initial motivation. Because I was so heavy, I couldn't do much. I was not a good housekeeper (too physically taxing). I was not good about keeping up with the laundry, or supplies on hand, etc. I realized that the way our family was being forced to live because of my size was not normal or healthy. When mom spends much of the day laying down or sitting because she can do little else, the household doesn't run well. Add to that the fact that I was working from home and my daughter was home-schooled...and you have a family situation that looks, day-to-day, very different from anything remotely normal.

I needed our situation to be more "normal." For me, but also for my daughter. She needed to understand that what may have seemed acceptable was not. So I had to turn myself around in order to be a healthier parent.

I'm not sure if this makes sense as I'm typing it, but reviewing it is beneficial to me - it makes sense to me. I recall how I felt on the day when the light bulb went off. I felt that I had no choice, if I wanted to be any sort of parent. My choice was to continue on the path I was on, setting bad examples and killing myself (literally), not giving my daughter any kind of foundation for living a healthy adult life...or fix myself. It wasn't just the physical, although that was where it had to start - I had to be able to do more in order to turn the runaway train around.

It's still a process; things are so much better now; there is more to do, and always will be. But looking back on what triggered this journey, I recall the main motivation being all about my daughter. Setting good examples for healthy living, as well as living in general. Not to mention staying alive to raise her and help her build a life that I hope ends up being all sorts of wonderful.

Terrific Tuesday!

2010-03-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

Weekly weighing has its drawbacks. So does daily. So maybe I'll just weigh every-now-and-then? I don't know. I just know that Sunday's weigh-in felt off. So I decided to check today again. I figured...what's the worst that could happen? Staying on plan means that the overall trend on the scale should be going down. So odds are it wouldn't be higher.

And it wasn't. Today I saw the 1.5 pound loss that would have make me happier on Sunday. Not sure where it was then, but it's there now. As I knew on Sunday...progress is being made. Slowly but surely.

Checking the calendar for this week, and it's BUSY. I have 2 training sessions Wednesday and 3 Thursday...followed by a well-earned day off on Friday. Looking forward to that VERY much.

Somewhere in there, I'd like to hit the pool. That still hasn't happened. But walking can still happen. And healthy eating.

So...tomorrow will be another "why" post. Must get writing!

Searching for motivation on Monday

2010-03-22T07:27:00.001-07:00

I honestly don't feel particularly motivated today. That doesn't mean I'm going to eat crap (which I originally typed as "carp," which I've never actually eaten, and won't be eating today either). But I don't have the GUNG HO! feeling that I sometimes do.

I suppose the scale has too much power over me. Last week my motivation was to see what the scale would say on Sunday if I had a healthy week. I had a healthy week and the scale stayed exactly the same. So this week, I don't really care what the scale says. I will continue to eat healthfully and get in my exercise...more this week than last.

I suppose it's hard to explain my feelings today. I'm not being negative...in fact, my thoughts are nothing but positive. I know what to do; I'm dong it; if I keep doing it, I'll make progress. I'm just not in a "woohoo, look at how healthy I'm getting" zone like I suppose I was last week.

I feel better this week than last, so I know I'm doing the right thing. I suppose in that event, I don't need to search for motivation. I must already have some.

Makes no sense

2010-03-21T10:20:00.000-07:00

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit ticked off at the scale gods and the universe this morning. How is it physically possible for someone who weighs as much as I do to eat the way I did for seven straight days and not lose even 1/4 of a pound?

I don't get it. But it doesn't matter. I ate healthfully this week and got in some exercise. That's what I should do, and keep doing. What other option is there? I can't eat any better than I did. I CAN exercise more.

I know water weight does strange things. But still. Sigh.

Onward.

Walking before Midnight

2010-03-19T14:27:00.000-07:00

I walked yesterday. Two days in a row! It was less than 24 hours since my last walk, and it was a bit harder, yet a bit easier. I have a bit of a concern about my joints - knees - hips. They aren't overly happy with the impact. Yes...it's just walking. But I still weigh over 330 pounds, so that is some serious impact.

This is why I love the pool so much. Even at well over 350 pounds, I could RUN fast in the pool, with no pain in any joints. Just good cardio, fast heart beating, exercise. And good resistance. I remember how STRONG I felt when I was working out in the pool consistently - both muscle-wise and heart-wise.

I do want to get back to the pool, but it's a challenge right now. In fact, there is part of me that wants to put my Y membership on hold for April. I use the Y membership only for the water exercise classes, but I haven't been able to get there due to work and my daughter's school. Essentially, the time when classes are held (7pm-ish) is a time when we are doing school work. We can sometimes squeeze the school work in before that time, which is what I'm going to try to do. We cannot wait to do the school work until after, because that would be getting close to 9pm.

The bottom line is that as much as I love the pool, it is almost a 2-hour chunk of time (45-50 minutes of actual exercise; the rest commute and changing). And I don't have that much time in the evenings right now. I DO have time to pop in a walking DVD that takes half an hour (physically can't do 50 minutes of land-based exercise yet). So that works best for weekdays, at least right now.

I *may* try a pool class in the morning on Saturday. My issues with that are whether my swimsuit fits acceptably, and whether my water shoes are too far gone. I may see if some stores sell them locally, and treat myself tonight. Otherwise, it's waiting for an online purchase.

But regardless...walking works. It's something. Something more than I was doing. Which can only help!